Kamala Harris: “The American people are a good people who care for each other and want what is best for each other!”

American People: “No, we’re not!”

“Those Democrats with their radical agenda! They want to allow women to make their own medical decisions without government oversight! They want gay people in love to be able to get married! They think you shouldn’t have to be rich to get health care! They think higher education should be available to everyone no matter their income! They even think that we shouldn’t punish transgendered people!”

Voters: “These terrible Democrats! What were their names again so we can recognize them when we go into the voting booth?”

So many problems in our world are caused simply because we try to force people to conform.

Men have to act this way, women have to act this way, you have to belong to the same religion, you have to love the opposite sex, you shouldn’t question authority, you can’t be unique.

If we’d stop trying to force everyone into categories, we’d sure have a more peaceful society.

There’s a meme going around complaining that Trump was allowed to work out a time to turn himself in, and therefore was being treated differently than the average criminal.

However, I have had plenty of clients — black, white, rich and poor — accused of felonies where I talked to the judge and the officers and we worked out a time for them to turn themselves in.

So that part doesn’t bother me. What bothers me (as usual) are all the hypocrites on the right claiming this is no big deal while screaming that Hillary should have been locked up for not realizing she had three pages of documents that had later been classified. (And remember — Trump’s DOJ could have charged her and would have loved to do so, but there was nothing there.)

When I went to college, I took so many different courses, based on what interested me. Besides my political science major, I took courses in sociology, philosophy, history, astronomy, music, film, literature, and even a course in puppetry. I think I became a better educated, well-rounded person because of it.

But college didn’t cost much in those days. I even went a 5th year (partially because I was working part time to pay for it and didn’t take 16 credits each semester) but that allowed me to expand past the required courses a lot more.

Now, with college being so expensive, people see it as an investment toward a job instead of being “getting an education.” It’s work training.

And that’s quite sad.

I believe in the First Amendment — not just because my good friend Jimmy Madison wrote it.

I get that age is a completely reasonable issue. It’s on everybody’s mind. And by “everyone” I mean the New York Times.  Headline: “Biden’s advanced age is a big issue. Trump’s, however, is not.”

I want everybody to have fun tonight, but please be safe. If you find yourself disoriented or confused, it’s either you’re drunk or Marjorie Taylor Greene.  

I love NPR — because they whisper into the mic like I do. But not everybody loves NPR.  Elon Musk tweeted that it should be defunded. The best way to make NPR go away is for Elon Musk to buy it.

We really have a record to be proud of. We added 12 million jobs, and that’s just counting the lawyers who defended Trump.

I had a lot of Ron DeSantis jokes ready, but Mickey Mouse beat the hell out of me and got there first.   

It’s great the cable news networks are here tonight. MSNBC, owned by NBC Universal. Fox News, owned by Dominion Voting Systems. 

Last year, your favorite Fox News reporters were able to attend because they were fully vaccinated and boosted. This year, with that $787 million settlement, they’re here because they couldn’t say no to a free meal.