Conservatives just want us all to be exactly like them

A right-wing troll who thought he was getting the better of me in a debate about “how liberals are forcing their views on everyone” said, “Oh yeah? Well, how many genders do you think there are anyway?”

I replied, “I don’t know and I don’t care. If people want to call themselves whatever gender they want or no gender at all, it doesn’t affect me in the slightest and I’ll call them whatever they want to be called because it makes them happy. The real question is: Why do you care?”

And that’s what a lot of conservative philosophy is about, isn’t it? Forcing everyone to live by their standards for things that don’t affect them personally in the slightest? Making everyone conform to what they believe?

“We don’t like abortions so you can’t have any. We don’t like gay marriage so you can’t get married. We believe in prayer in schools so you have to say our prayers. We think marijuana is bad so you can’t have any.”

Just leave us alone already. So many fights between liberals and conservatives would be over if they’d just leave us the fuck alone.

Be that guy

And before someone chimes in with “but liberals want to force us to do things all the time!” allow me to point out that those things do affect us. Your guns affect us. Giving you health care does affect all of us. Having good environmental policy does affect us.

What we’re not doing is passing laws telling you that you have to live your personal life according to our rules.

When conservatives talk about “freedom,” what they often really mean is “freedom to not have to do anything I don’t like” and “freedom to discriminate”: “Why is government telling me I have to serve gay people who I can’t stand? Why do they think they can regulate the environment so that I can’t burn my trash? Why do I have to pay taxes? Get the government off my back!”

Basically, conservatives want government off our backs in business and economic matters only (so they can get richer) but love having government involved in moral issues. Liberals want the exact opposite. We want government off our backs in moral issues but want government involvement in economics. And that’s because economics does affect us all.

And it’s all because they don’t like people who are different. They’d be thrilled if the entire country was white, Christian and straight. Anyone who steps out from the roles they want us to be in has to be criticized by them.

So don’t let any conservative try to tell you that you have to live your life according to their rules about how you should act, who you should love, what you should dress like, or anything that does not affect them personally. That’s what real freedom is.

The latest internet fear: signing with 20

A meme has been going around warning people not to sign their documents with “20” as the year because someone might change it on them.

I thought that was kind of ridiculous, and said so on my Facebook page.

NBC’s Today Show thought my comments were interesting, and quoted me in their article about it.  Click here for a link to the article below:

A Maine police department passed along a warning from a law office to avoid abbreviating 2020 on checks and legal documents.
By Scott Stump

A Maine police department is warning against abbreviating the year 2020 on checks and legal documents for precautionary reasons and to avoid potential fraud.

The East Millinocket Police Department shared a message on Facebook from the George E. Moore Law Office in Ohio that advises people to write out 2020 instead of an example like 3/3/20 because it could allow people to write a different year at the end by adding two digits after 20.

“This is sound advice and should be considered when signing any legal or professional document,” the department wrote on Facebook. “It could potentially save you some trouble down the road.”

The department later edited the post after receiving some criticism to say that it was intended as a warning, not strict legal advice.

“Of course we understand that all dates can be altered, however I believe that most here would agree that if a document of any kind, either legal or professional, is brought to our attention as being forged or fraudulent, it would likely raise far more red flags, depending on the circumstances, if it had a date of 1999 as opposed to 2019 or 2021.

A Maine police department passed along a warning from a law office to avoid abbreviating 2020 on checks and legal documents.

“Again, we shared this meme with a simple cautionary post, giving the citizens of our small community information to consider. Criminals are always looking for ways to take advantage of people. This meme provided a tip that we felt has some validity so this is why we shared it. It is not intended as legal advise or a warning, only as a cautionary tip to consider.”

So is this a legitimate concern as we start the new year?

“The chances of someone trying to pull that kind of fraud on you are pretty slim, especially since it is so easy to prove that it was done,” Pennsylvania attorney Michael Ventrella told TODAY in an email.

“If someone changes the date on a check or a contract, that’s fraud. It’s easy to prove and no court will hold you responsible for a contract that was changed like that. Even a simple mistake can be easily corrected.”

Contract law is not so strict as to hold people to whatever is written down if that was not their intent, Ventrella added.

“You’d also have to ask why someone would do this,” he said. “If you change the date on a check to 2019, for instance, then a check dated Jan. 3, 2019 would never be honored by a bank because it’s so old. Who would do that? What benefit would it have?

“If you want to play it safe, then sure, write out the entire date. But you’d be better off to prepare for being hit by lightning, because that’s probably more likely.”

 

Christmas Laughs

“I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” – Steven Wright

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller

“I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don’t believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives.” – Groucho Marxgroucho claus

“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’” — Dave Barry

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” – Jay Leno

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – Dennis Miller

“Christmas is the only religious holiday that is also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.” – Samantha Bee 

“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.” – W. C. Fields

“This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.” Guy Endore Kaiser

“Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?’” – Jim Gaffigan

“My grandmother passed away at Christmas time. So now I have this built in sadness every holiday beause I’m plagued with the thought of what she would have given me.” – Laura Knightlinger

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple

“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?” – Tom Armstrong

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.” – Victor Borge

“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?” Arlo Guthrie

“The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.” — Julius Sharpe

“Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish, If it weren’t for Christmas, We’d all be Jewish.” – Benny Hill

“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?” – Matt Groening

“Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.” Sean Hughes

“Christmas is a baby shower that went way overboard.” – Andy Borowitz

“There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So guys, that means 16 more days until we start shopping, right?” – Conan O’Brien

“One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.” – Louis C.K.

“Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” – Gary Allan

“My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.” – Leslie “Les” Dawson, Jr.

“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” – Anthony Jeselnik

“Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!” – Ogden Nash

The 7th Annual War on Christmas Contest

Merry War on Christmas, everybody!

Anger drives ratings, as Fox News is well aware. And that’s why they created the War on Christmas. Those poor Christians, being attacked and persecuted and treated terribly — how awful it must be to be a discriminated against majority. All those laws requiring people to never say “Merry Christmas” …  oh wait.

war on christmas

cartoon by Pat Bagley

Every example Fox News gives for a “War on Christmas” always boils down to something like “They won’t let us force kids to sing our religious songs!” or “They say ‘Happy Holidays’ which acknowledges that not everyone is a Christian and therefore they are attacking us!” or “They are refusing to allow us to use their money (taxpayer dollars) for a religious display.”

So for seven years now, I have challenged anyone to give me an example of a real “attack on Christmas,” because every one of these examples is, in reality, fought in defense. You wouldn’t even hear about them if these particular Christians weren’t trying to require everyone to obey their beliefs.

Or else they’ll point out one misguided grinch who complains about a decoration or something as if that was evidence of a vast, coordinated attack. Last year, they trotted out an elementary school principal who, in an effort to avoid controversy, banned even secular representations of Christmas such as Santa Claus and Christmas trees. She changed her position once people complained, but that was hardly a “war on Christmas” as much as it was someone who understood that religion does not belong in a public school but mistakenly went too far.

And this in no way prevented any family from celebrating their religion in any way they wanted to on their own.

So there’s my yearly challenge: find me one example of anyone trying to prevent people from celebrating a religious Christmas. Just one.

I have a feeling I know what the result will once again be.

(And yes, of course, just to clarify: #notallChristians)

Discussing the Constitution

My interview with Rob Kall, editor of Op Ed News, will be published on his blog soon, but here it is early. We discuss the Constitution and some of the most important issues discussed in my book HOW TO ARGUE THE CONSTITUTION WITH A CONSERVATIVE.

 

Hey! Fellow Democrats!

Please

1. Stop bashing other Democrats. You’re just helping the Republicans. Discuss the differences between the candidates, say why you support one or the other, but please stop treating someone you disagree with 20% of the time as if they’re your enemy. We’re going to end up with one of them and any are better than any Republican. Let’s not give them an already destroyed candidate to begin the campaign with.

2. Stop saying we should not be impeaching based on your belief that it is politically a bad thing to do and may hurt us. Refusing to do the right thing simply because it may hurt you politically is what Republicans do. Let’s be better than that.

Impeachment testimony talking points

“You Democrats only called witnesses who attacked Trump! Not one defense witness testified!”

“We subpoenaed them…we asked them to testify.”

“They’re not going to participate in your sham inquiry! Besides, all our witnesses have said it never happened!”

“All the witnesses under oath said it did. Why not have your defense witnesses testify under oath?”

“They’re not going to particip–”

“Yes, right, we know.”