Hillary’s zingers

You ever notice how there aren’t many funny conservatives?  There’s no equivalent to the Daily Show or John Oliver’s show or Stephen Colbert…

Why that is is a subject for another column, though. I just wanted to point out that the liberals tend to have the better comedians, and some of them have clearly written some wonderful jokes for Hillary Clinton.

Last night, at the Alfred E. Smith dinner in New York — an annual tradition where politicians kind of roast each other — Hillary got some great lines in. Trump, on the other hand, was mostly just mean and was even booed with some of his lines. (He even, at one point, looked at his script and made a comment about how poor his jokes were, as if he had not even read them until that point.)

Anyway, check out some of these zingers:

There are a lot of friendly faces here in this room, people I’ve been privileged to know and work with. I just want to put you all in a basket of adorables.

And you look so good in your tuxes — or as I refer to them, formal pantsuits.

Donald, after listening to your speech, I will enjoy listening to Mike Pence deny that you ever gave it.

People look at the Statue of Liberty and they see a proud symbol of our history as a nation of immigrants, a beacon of hope for people around the world. Donald looks at the Statue of Liberty and sees a four. Maybe a five, if she loses the torch and tablet and changes her hair.

Now, you notice, there is no teleprompter here tonight, which is probably smart, because maybe you saw Donald dismantle his prompter the other day. And I get that. They’re hard to keep up with, and I’m sure it’s even harder when you’re translating from the original Russian.

Donald really is as healthy as a horse. You know, the one Vladimir Putin rides around on.

Sharing a stage with Donald Trump is like, well, nothing really comes to mind. There is nothing like sharing a stage with Donald Trump.

I think the good news is that the debates finally allowed Republicans to unite around their candidate. The bad news is, it’s Mike Pence.

And whoever wins this election, the outcome will be historic. We’ll either have the first female president or the first president who started a Twitter war with Cher.

if Donald does win, it will be awkward at the annual presidents’ day photo when all the former presidents gather at the White House, and not just with Bill. How is Barack going to get past the Muslim ban?

I said no to some jokes that I thought were over the line, but I suppose you can judge for yourself on WikiLeaks in the next few days.


Republicans: Stop trying to disown Trump

“Donald Trump — as he’s prone to do — he didn’t build the building by himself, but he slapped his name on it and took credit for it.”derp-trump

That was President Obama last week, rightly pointing out that the GOP can pretend that Trump does not share their positions and that he is not really one of them, but the fact is that they built that Building of Deplorables that allowed Trump to move in and declare himself their king.

“The problem is not that all Republicans think the way this guy does,” Obama said. “The problem is that they’ve been riding this tiger for a long time. They’ve been feeding their base all kinds of crazy for years, primarily for political expedience.”

It’s not like the warning signs weren’t there. It’s not like there weren’t plenty of us (and even plenty in the GOP) who predicted that this would happen. They could have done more to prevent this, and now it appears they’re going to lose the Presidency as well as the Senate (and maybe even the House).

And it’s their own damn fault.

So when some Republican says that they can’t support Trump and they act all surprised that such a terrible man could have ever grabbed the support of a majority of their members, take it with a grain of salt. The warning signs were there all along, and they just continued to drive off that cliff.

It’s not about the pussy

I have had clients who grabbed women when they didn’t want to be grabbed.  You can read all about these clients on the Megan’s Law website, listing sexual predators.

Donald Trump’s statements about how, as a star, he can “grab women by the pussy” and kiss them and get away with it are upsetting, but he and his supporters don’t get why it’s upsetting. He defends himself by saying it’s just “locker room talk” and other defenders are saying “Oh, yeah, well worse things are said by rappers!” (None of whom, it should be noted, are running for President of the United States.)pussywagon1

Look, It’s not the word “pussy” that is objectionable — it’s the word “grab.”

Trevor Noah pointed this out on the Daily Show:

You tell me which is worse: “Yesterday, I escorted a young lady back to her residence and proceeded to caress her genitals despite her lack of invitation.” or “I was rolling with this bad bitch and asked, ‘Yo, you gonna let me smash that ass?’ When she said no, I was like, “OK, no pussy for me!”

 Which one is worse? While neither is ideal, one is crude and the other is against the law.

“Oh, yeah?” the Trumpettes scream. “Why are all the women who read 50 Shades of Grey getting all upset?” Well, maybe it’s because they can tell the difference between fiction and reality. I mean, come on, I liked the movie Mad Max but that doesn’t mean I’d like to live there.

And even so, as I’ve said before, 50 Shades is a BDSM fantasy that many people have. In real life, there would be a safe word there but having the characters in the movie use a safe word would ruin the fantasy. It would be like having James Bond turn to the audience and say “You know we’re not using real bullets, right?”

But you know what’s worse?  Many Republicans don’t seem to care about this.  Billy Bush, the guy who did the interview with Trump that led to these quotes, was just as bad and he lost his job because of it. It’s a shame that the standards for a TV show host are higher than those for the Republican candidate for President.

What a sad debate for America

“Hillary does not look Presidential because she doesn’t have stamina” – 1st debate

“What I admire about her is that she never gives up and works hard.” – 2nd debate

Trump will claim a win. Then Hillary’s team will have the new ads showing all the lies he said. Like last time, he denied saying things he actually said and there will be videos showing him saying those things. (I mean, really, do Republicans even understand how technology works?) Pence did the same thing during his debate, using the old Stalinesque tactic of “repeat a lie often enough and it becomes the truth.”161009232148-trump-clinton-debate-st-louis-obamacare-sot-00002122-large-169

Trump played to his followers, who still cheer when he claims, like a dictator, that he will jail his opponent. I don’t think he widened his base at all, and probably scared away potential new voters.

He has no clue about what Americans want, and does not know how to talk to anyone who isn’t a white male. When a black man asked him a question about bringing people together, he immediately started talking about inner city crime because, of course, all black people live in the inner city, right? When a Muslim asked how Trump could fight against the prejudices Muslims face, he talked about terrorism, because Muslim = terrorist, right?

As the spoiled man-child, he once again whined that everyone was against him and that any time he doesn’t win, it means someone else cheated.  He protested the mean questions he got (because, you know, Presidents never get asked tough questions) and claimed he was not getting as much time as Clinton (even though he actually ended up talking more than her).

Even worse, he was being questioned by two women and a gay man with a woman opponent. You could see his anger as he lurked behind Clinton as she spoke and paced nervously. He just can’t stand not being the center of attention and losing it to a woman? Unthinkable.

The bar was set so low that all he had to do was not throw up and some people would declare him the winner.

This is the saddest election I have ever seen. I am embarrassed for my country. While many of us had predicted this sort of thing happening over the years as the Tea Party radicals on the right controlled the GOP, I don’t think we ever expected it to get this bad.