God: “Hmmm, how can I tell people to repent? Let’s see. I can appear on everyone’s devices at the same time, speaking their individual languages! Nah. Maybe I could just appear in their minds and tell them. Uh-uh. I guess I could send Jesus back, have him do a few miracles again, and then tell everyone…

No! Wait! I know! I’ll send a small earthquake — you know, the kind that happen all over the world every year — and an eclipse that can easily be predicted, even by the ancient Mayans! That’ll do it for sure!

(I still don’t get why they didn’t all repent when I sent an image of Jesus on Mrs. O’Malley’s toast!)”