Top Ten Signs You’ve Got a Bad Trial Attorney

In anticipation of my trial tomorrow, I present:


10. Constantly tweeting during the trial, and he’s not on Twitter

9. Requires every witness to answer in the form of a question

8. Asks if he can make a motion, and then does the Hokey-Pokey

7. Constantly says “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit” no matter what the trial is about

6. Makes out with the District Attorney during breaks

5. All objections made by partner, Mr. Linty, a sock puppet

4. Uses air quotes when saying “Not Guilty”

3. Insists on doing his Pee-Wee Herman impersonation throughout entire trial

2. Gives closing argument in the form of an interpretive dance

1. Says “Wake me when it’s my turn to talk.”

6 thoughts on “Top Ten Signs You’ve Got a Bad Trial Attorney

  1. Alternates:
    1. Order pizza to be delivered to the courtroom, then doesn’t share it.
    2. Models himself after lawyer in skit from “Kentucky Fried Movie.”
    3. Aspires to be Chicken Lawyer from Futurama.
    4. Shows up at the trial wearing his Wal-Mart welcomer’s vest, two days in a row.
    5. Shows up the third day wearing a McDonald’s uniform.
    6. Prank calls the judge during the trial.
    7. Cannot for the life of him remember your name or what you’ve been accused of.
    8. Discontinues his “Your fourth appeal is no charge!” promotion because he keeps losing them anyway.
    9. Throughout the trial makes small talk to you about how “prison isn’t such a bad place, you know?”
    10. Always thinks the best defense is “The Corbomite Maneuver.”


  2. Ok, this makes two freaky voir dires make complete sense, now. I saw the number 7s from both lists at voir dires and I just thought the lawyers were senile.


  3. At one voir dire, about defamation of charactor, the lawyer kept blanking on his client’s name and calling him, “Uh… this guy, right here, right here,” and never called the charge the same thing. That lasted four hours due to many other problems. At traffic court, the lawyer asked the first 12 people if a glove didn’t fit, would you vote not guilty?” and during the trial kept refering to a glove that didn’t fit, but most of us assumed he was trying to talk about the speed gun he just never got to his point; the judge kept asking him what he was talking about. None of the potential-less jurors got the joke(s) the lawyers were trying, we just thought they were senile or crazy.


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