Goodbye Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert’s last show was last night (No spoilers!  I recorded it and will watch it later!). With just a few lines of sarcasm, he could take down ridiculous right-wing talking points in a way Jon Stewart could not.  (Not to dis Stewart;  it’s just a different way to make the same points.)

The last month or so on Colbert has been interesting, because he seems to have dropped his character more often and seems to be saying what he really thinks in his own voice.  Let’s hope he continues that on his new show.

I did a search to find some of his best quotes, but let’s face it — he’s been on the air for years and there are many.  So here are just a few for the fun of it:

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.

This is a picture my wife made of Stephen Colbert using dryer lint.  It's now hanging in a Ripley's Believe it or Not Museum somewhere.  Her web page is here:  www.heidihooper.com

This is a picture my wife made of Stephen Colbert using dryer lint. It’s now hanging in a Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum somewhere. Her web page is here: http://www.heidihooper.com

Isn’t an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade… which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

I love the earth. If you ask me it’s the greatest planet in the world.

I love the truth. It’s the facts I’m not a fan of.

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait — no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I’m confused. Also hungry.

In God’s eyes, all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

It’s August, which means Congress is in recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

Mitt Romney’s email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they’re from a bot, he’s fixed the problem.

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life. Unfortunately, it won’t date them either.

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.

I don’t know why Obama’s denying the Gitmo prisoners habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.

Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.

Researchers from Britain’s Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun.

The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.

There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.

Where does Congress get off saying that people have a right to Habeas Corpus? It’s like they’re holding these truths to be self-evident!

We need to cut the budget. If we don’t cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Think books aren’t scary? Well, think about this: You can’t spell “Book” without “Boo!”

NASA reported that they found methane gas being emitted on Mars. I always thought that came from Uranus.

Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me “sir”.

I stand by George W. Bush because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers, and rubble, and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo-ops in the world.

I’m disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn’t even have a religion if it wasn’t for capital punishment.

Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge … or when I want to create some.

Why would we go to war on women? They don’t have any oil.

Hillary Clinton said one of her favorite movies is The Wizard of Oz. Well, I re-watched it recently, and I can’t believe I never noticed the liberal subtext before. Judy Garland — gay icon — stars as Dorothy, an innocent girl from the Heartland, who gets swept away to a drug-induced fantasy land where’s she’s greeted by labor activists from the local guild. After she murders a powerful Oz official, she becomes a fugitive, hitting the road with a racially diverse group including a laborer, an animal-rights activist, and a treehugger. Who are all, for some mysterious reason, great dancers. And along the way, they get so high on poppies they think they’re being attacked by flying monkeys. Folks, there’s a short walk from “There’s no place like home” to “It Takes a Village.”

Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.

Dreams can change. If we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn’t help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we’ve got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don’t want to do it.

 

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