The annual White House Correspondent’s Dinner allows the President to throw some barbs at himself and the press and is a good time to observe a President’s sense of humor first hand. Known jokingly as the “nerd prom” it gets bigger and bigger every year. And every year, I love posting the President’s best jokes. (Click here for the 2014 list and the 2013 list).
Welcome to the fourth quarter of my presidency. The fact is, I feel more loose and relaxed than ever. Those Joe Biden shoulder massages, they’re like magic. You should try one. Oh, you have.
And that’s not all people say about me. A few weeks ago, Dick Cheney says he thinks I’m the worst President of his lifetime. Which is interesting, because I think Dick Cheney is the worst President of my lifetime. It’s quite a coincidence.
Just this week, Michele Bachmann actually predicted that I would bring about the biblical end of days. Now that’s a legacy! That’s big. I mean, Lincoln, Washington—they didn’t do that.
But I just have to put this stuff aside, I’ve got to stay focused on my job, because for many Americans, this is still a time of deep uncertainty. For example, I have one friend—just a few weeks ago, she was making millions of dollars a year. And she’s now living out of a van in Iowa.
Back here in our nation’s capital, we’re always dealing with new challenges. I’m happy to report that the Secret Service, thanks to some excellent reporting by White House correspondents, they’re really focusing on some of the issues that have come up. And they finally figured out a full-proof way to keep people off my lawn.
You know what, let me set the record straight. I tease Joe sometimes, but he has been at my side for seven years now. I love that man. He’s not just a great Vice President, he is a great friend. We’ve gotten so close, in some places in Indiana, they won’t serve us pizza anymore.
As always, the reporters here had a lot to cover over the last year. Here on the East Coast, one big story was the brutal winter. The polar vortex caused so many record lows, they renamed it “MSNBC.”
But of course, let’s face it, there is one issue on every reporter’s mind and that is 2016. Already, we’ve seen some missteps. It turns out Jeb Bush identified himself as “Hispanic” back in 2009. Which you know what, look, I understand. It’s an innocent mistake. Reminds me of when I identified myself as “American” back in 1961.
Ted Cruz said that denying the existence of climate change made him like Galileo. Now that’s not really an apt comparison. Galileo believed the Earth revolves around the sun. Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz.
Meanwhile, Rick Santorum announced that he would not attend the same-sex wedding of a friend or a loved one. To which gays and lesbians across the country responded, that’s not going to be a problem.
It’s amazing how time flies. Soon, the first presidential contest will take place. And I for one cannot wait to see who the Koch brothers pick.
It’s exciting. Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker. Who will finally get that red rose? The winner gets a billion-dollar war chest. I mean, seriously, a billion dollars. From just two guys. Is it just me, or does that feel a little excessive? I mean, it’s almost insulting to the candidates. The Koch brothers think they need to spend a billion dollars to get folks to like one of these people. It’s got to hurt their feelings a little bit.
And, look, I know I’ve raised a lot of money too. But in all fairness, my middle name is “Hussein.” What’s their excuse?
Bernie Sanders might run. I like Bernie. Bernie is an interesting guy. Apparently some folks really want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House. We could get a third Obama term after all.