I am a Marxist

The writings and saying of Marx have definitely influenced me over the years, and today I thought I’d share some of my favorites with you:

“From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”

“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”139283_o

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.”

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

[When told that he couldn’t swim in an exclusive club because he was Jewish]: “My son is only half Jewish, can he go in up to his waist?”

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”

“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.”

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.”

“A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.”

“I’ll always remember the first time I had sex. I kept the receipt.”

“I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.”

“Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah? He used to live in whales for a while.”

“I’ve been around so long I can remember Doris Day before she was a virgin.”

“She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.”

“The only game I like to play is ‘Old Maid’, providing she’s not too old.”

“Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”

“If you fall out of that window and break both your legs, don’t come running to me.”

Animal Crackers:

“We took some pictures of the native girls but they weren’t developed. But we’re going back again in a few weeks!”

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.”

“You know, you two girls have everything. You’re tall and short and slim and stout and blonde and brunette. And that’s just the kind of a girl I crave. Why, you’ve got beauty, charm, money! You have got money, haven’t you? Because if you haven’t, we can quit right now.”

Mrs. Rittenhouse: “You are one of the musicians? But you were not due until tomorrow.”
Chico: “Couldn’t come tomorrow. That’s too quick.”
Groucho: “Say, you’re lucky they didn’t come yesterday.”
C: “We were busy yesterday, but we charge just the same.”
G: This is better than exploring. What do you fellows get an hour?”
C: Ah, for playing we getta ten dollars an hour.”
G: I see. What do you get for not playing?”
C: Twelve dollars an hour.”
G: Well, clip me off a piece of that.”
C: Now… for rehearsing, we make a special rate, that’sa fifteen dollars an hour.”
G: That’s for rehearsing.”
C: That’sa for rehearsing.”
G: And what do you get for not rehearsing?”
C: You couldn’t afford it.You see if we don’t rehearse we don’t play. And if we don’t play, that runs into money.”
G: “How much would you charge to run into an open manhole?”
C: “Just the cover charge.”
G: “Well, drop in sometime.”
C: “Sewer.”

G: “I used to know a fellow who looked exactly like you by the name of Emanuel Ravelli. Are you his brother?”
C: “I am Emanuel Ravelli.”
G: “You’re Emanuel Ravelli?”
C: “I am Emanuel Ravelli.”
G: “Well, no wonder you look like him. But I still insist there is a resemblance.”
C: “Heh, heh, he thinks I look alike.”
G: “Well, if you do, it’s a tough break for both of you. [directly to camera] Well, all the jokes can’t be good. You’ve got to expect that once in a while.”

C: [while playing the same first part of a song over and over] I can’t think of the finish!
G: That’s funny, I can’t think of anything else.

“Signore Ravelli’s first selection will be ‘Somewhere My Love Lies Sleeping’ with a male chorus.”

“Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… Now you tell me what you know.”

“Do you mind if I don’t smoke?”

Monkey Business:

“I know, I know, you’re a woman who’s been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you’ll have to stay in the garage all night.”

“I’ve been looking for a girl like you — not you, but a girl like you.”

“Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much?”

Horse Feathers:

“Why don’t you go home to your wife? I’ll tell you what: I’ll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement she’ll never know the difference.”

Groucho: “Tomorrow we start tearing down the college.”
The Professors: “But Professor, where will the students sleep?”
G: “Where they always sleep. In the classroom.”

Chico: “There’s a man outside with a big black mustache.”
Groucho: “Tell him I’ve got one.”

Groucho: [directly to the camera while Chico plays the piano] “I’ve got to stay here, but there’s no reason why you folks shouldn’t go out into the lobby until this thing blows over.”

Groucho: “Are you suggesting that I, the president of Huxley College, go into a speakeasy without even giving me the address?”

Duck Soup:

Groucho: “Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.”
Chico: “I’ll tell you what I’ll do: I’ll take five and ten in Woolworth.”

“You’re a brave man. Go and break through the lines. And remember, while you’re out there risking you’re life and limb through shot and shell, we’ll be in be in here thinking what a sucker you are.”

“Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it – I hear they’re going to tear you down and put up an office building where you’re standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can’t get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven’t stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.”

“Go, and never darken my towels again!”

“Here are the plans of war. They’re as valuable as your life. And that’s putting them pretty cheap. Watch them like a cat watched her kittens. Have you ever had kittens? No, of course not, you’re too busy running around playing bridge. Can’t you see what I’m trying to tell you? I love you.”

Beautiful Girl: “Hold me closer… closer… closer….”
Groucho: “If I hold you any closer, I’ll be in back of you.”

Groucho: “Not that I care, but where is your husband?”
Mrs. Teasedale: “Why, he’s dead.”
G: “I’ll bet he’s just using that as an excuse.”
T: “I was with him till the very end.”
G: “Huh! No wonder he passed away.”
T: “I held him in my arms and kissed him.”
G: “Oh, I see. Then it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.”
T: “He left me his entire fortune.”
G: “Is that so? Can’t you see what I’m trying to tell you? I love you.”

Mrs. Teasdale: “Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you.”
Groucho: “Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don’t think I could handle any more.”

Groucho: “Lieutenant, why weren’t the original indictment papers placed in my portfolio?”
Zeppo: “Why, uh, I didn’t think those papers were important at this time, your excellency.”
G: “You didn’t think they were important? Do you realize I had my dessert wrapped in those papers?”

A Night at the Opera:

Chico: “Hey, wait – wait! What does this say here? This thing here?”
Groucho: “Oh, that? Oh, that’s the usual clause. That’s in every contract. That just says if any of the parties participating in this contract is shown not to be in their right mind, the entire agreement is automatically nullified.”
C: “Well, I don’t know.”
G: “It’s all right. That’s in every contract. That’s what they call a sanity clause.”
C: “Ha ha ha! You can’t fool me. There ain’t no Sanity Clause!”

Groucho: “Do they allow tipping on the boat?”
Steward: “Yes, sir.”
G: “Have you got two fives?”
S: “Yes, sir!!”
G: “Well, then you won’t need the ten cents I was gonna give you.”

A Day at the Races:

Stuffy Man: “Why, I’ve never been so insulted in my life!”
Groucho [looking at his watch] “Well, it’s early yet.”

“Hey, don’t drink that poison! That’s $4.00 an ounce!”

At the Circus:

Pauline: “I’ve waited so long to find someone like you.”
Groucho: “Oh, someone like me? I’m not good enough for you, eh?”

The Big Store:

Margaret Dumont: “… I’m afraid after we’re married a while, a beautiful young girl will come along, and you’ll forget all about me.”
Groucho: “Don’t be silly. I’ll write you twice a week.”

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2 thoughts on “I am a Marxist

  1. I suspect his politics would have been similar in cynicism to Mencken’s, but bluntly I’d vote for a man with that wit even if his platform was straight Karl. Congress hasn’t had a real wiseass since Barney Frank retired.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: That’s not what Karl Marx said |

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