And now for something completely different.

Years ago, my wife Heidi Hooper (the famous dryer lint artist) had a booth at the New York Renaissance Faire where she made armor. (Her Masters’ is in metalsmithing). She also made leather armor, and when you poked the holes for laces, we’d end up with lots of little, round pieces of leather.

So we decided to package them in small bags and sell them as “cow seeds” for a dollar. I wrote up the “instructions” for it, and made it full of terrible puns. We posted it and said if anyone could read it out loud without smiling or laughing, they’d get a free packet. It was a good way to attract attention to the booth.

Anyway, I recently found what I had written and want to share it with you now. Try reading it out loud and see if you can keep a straight face.

How To Grow a Cow

Take your cow seeds and find a suitable spot. Cows prefer pastures so attempt to plant there; which shall also have the added benefit of making the cow’s milk already pasturized.

In the ground, exactly three and one quarter inches from the surface, plant your cow seeds. Sprinkle upon said planted seeds exactly one thimble of cow’s milk, heated to exactly 84 degrees. Every day at the exact same hour, hoof it to the site and sprinkle the same. Keep your eyes open for nasty weeds, as a milkweed is unwanted.

Soon you will see the proper plant emerging; indeed, it is a bo-vine! In order for the vine to grow and climb, plant next to it a steak. You will certainly be mooved by the experience. If it takes a long time to sprout, remember: leather late than never.

When the bovine is up to your calf, steer your sights towards pruning the udderly unnecessary limbs. Four is the perfect number. Be forewarned: if you cut all limbs, you will have ground beef; and if some are cut uneven, you will have lean beef.

If you aren’t careful, a tail may be removed by mistake; however, these can be replaced at any retail store.

If you heifer forget to milk your plant, it would be a cowtastrophe. If that is the case, hide. And blow a horn. It may be a wise idea to hire a lad to care of your plant (a “cowboy” as it were).

If all is successful, a fine young cow will be there for you! Soon all of your friends will be calling you a “cow chip off the old block.”

Planting more seeds will produce like results and soon you will be in the War of the Roses! (No, wait, the War of the Roses was a crown battle, and the seeds will give you brown cattle.)

Be sure to educate your cow well or it will produce milk of amnesia. Do not make her nervous, or she will have milk shakes. Do not pamper her, or you will receive spoiled milk.

Is it easy to milk a cow? Sure, any little jerk can do it; however, any little jerk must be careful or the results will be beyond the pail.

WARNING: If these instructions are not performed exactly, your cow seeds may never sprout and you will be left udderly cowless.

We guarantee that this is no bull.