In a stunning announcement, the Pope revealed today that he has broken with longstanding Catholic tradition and has done the unthinkable. He has read the Bible.

“I have reviewed the teachings of Jesus thoroughly,” he said to gasps, “and I can’t find anything in there about hating gays, being against abortion, or disallowing contraception. There is, however, quite a bit about how the rich cannot get into heaven and how we should be doing everything in our power to help the poor and downtrodden.”

Numerous conservative politicians have spoken out against His Holiness, with one stating, “What in the world is he doing reading the Bible? You don’t need to read the Bible to know what it says! Look at me — I’ve never read the Constitution, and I know it says that this is a Christian nation.”