How to Speak Republican

Lesson 27.

When an official report says something other than what you want it to say, make sure to twist it into something more favorable to you and bad for your opponent.

Example:  The Congressional Budget Office said that because of Obamacare, people who stayed in jobs solely for the insurance were now free to pursue other things.  They could now get rid of that second job, stay at home with the kids, or even start their own business.  Approximately 2.5 million people would be taking advantage of this, which will mean that 2.5 million jobs will soon be available for the unemployed to get.  The unemployment rate will fall, and perhaps even more small businesses will be formed.

Question:  How do you translate this news into Republican?

Analysis:  This is a difficult one, because clearly these are Republican goals.  Reducing unemployment, encouraging parents to stay at home, and helping small businesses form are all traditional Republican ideals.  However, to acknowledge this would be to not only admit that Obamacare might have some good points, but also allow the Democrats to claim that.  Clearly, any admission of any gains at all would be improper.

Solution:  Lie.  The best way to get around a truth you dislike is to lie.   Try one of these whoppers:pinocchio

“Obamacare is a disincentive to work!”  This one isn’t bad.  It implies that staying in a terrible job you hate just for the insurance is preferable to taking your life into your own hands and doing what you want.  But it’s still slightly true, albeit misleading.  you can do better.

“Obamacare will destroy 2.5 million jobs!”  There’s the winner.  A complete lie, absolutely not what the CBO said, and sure to be bought by a clueless media who doesn’t want to have to actually do the reading to realize that it’s complete bullshit.  Even if it was true, it’s offset by the fact that Obamacare has added 8.1 million new jobs.  But of course, you will never mention that.

Summary:  As we have seen from every other lesson, the answer is always to lie.  You can never go wrong that way if you want to learn how to speak Republican fluently.

6 thoughts on “How to Speak Republican

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