“Fellow Republicans. As you know, in the past we could always count on the Latino vote. As the party that is pro-family and against abortion and gay marriage, we appealed to their Catholic sensibilities.
However, lately, we have seen that the Latino vote — like the women’s vote — has been moving away from us in huge numbers to the point where it is costing us elections. We must do something to appeal to these people if we ever want to win the White House again! Why they are leaving us is a complete mystery.
Anyway, on to other matters. We need to discuss the infiltration of our society by those terrible illegal immigrants, bringing their kids and crime and drugs into America. Plus how we need to make English the official language. Also, we have here a document proclaiming our support for the Hobby Lobby decision and to reiterate how corporations — which are clearly people — should be able to use their religious beliefs when deciding whether their female employees get contraception.”