December 19, 2014 by Michael A. Ventrella

Goodbye Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert’s last show was last night (No spoilers! I recorded it and will watch it later!). With just a few lines of sarcasm, he could take down ridiculous right-wing talking points in a way Jon Stewart could not. (Not to dis Stewart; it’s just a different way to make the same points.)

The last month or so on Colbert has been interesting, because he seems to have dropped his character more often and seems to be saying what he really thinks in his own voice. Let’s hope he continues that on his new show.

I did a search to find some of his best quotes, but let’s face it — he’s been on the air for years and there are many. So here are just a few for the fun of it:

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.

This is a picture my wife made of Stephen Colbert using dryer lint. It’s now hanging in a Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum somewhere. Her web page is here: http://www.heidihooper.com

Isn’t an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade… which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

I love the earth. If you ask me it’s the greatest planet in the world.

I love the truth. It’s the facts I’m not a fan of.

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait — no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I’m confused. Also hungry.

In God’s eyes, all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

It’s August, which means Congress is in recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

Mitt Romney’s email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they’re from a bot, he’s fixed the problem.

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life. Unfortunately, it won’t date them either.

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.

I don’t know why Obama’s denying the Gitmo prisoners habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.

Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.

Researchers from Britain’s Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun.

The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.

There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.

Where does Congress get off saying that people have a right to Habeas Corpus? It’s like they’re holding these truths to be self-evident!

We need to cut the budget. If we don’t cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Think books aren’t scary? Well, think about this: You can’t spell “Book” without “Boo!”

NASA reported that they found methane gas being emitted on Mars. I always thought that came from Uranus.

Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me “sir”.

I stand by George W. Bush because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers, and rubble, and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo-ops in the world.

I’m disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn’t even have a religion if it wasn’t for capital punishment.

Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge … or when I want to create some.

Why would we go to war on women? They don’t have any oil.

Hillary Clinton said one of her favorite movies is The Wizard of Oz. Well, I re-watched it recently, and I can’t believe I never noticed the liberal subtext before. Judy Garland — gay icon — stars as Dorothy, an innocent girl from the Heartland, who gets swept away to a drug-induced fantasy land where’s she’s greeted by labor activists from the local guild. After she murders a powerful Oz official, she becomes a fugitive, hitting the road with a racially diverse group including a laborer, an animal-rights activist, and a treehugger. Who are all, for some mysterious reason, great dancers. And along the way, they get so high on poppies they think they’re being attacked by flying monkeys. Folks, there’s a short walk from “There’s no place like home” to “It Takes a Village.”

Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.

Dreams can change. If we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn’t help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we’ve got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don’t want to do it.

Editorial cartoon: Deadly Lesson

December 17, 2014 by Michael A. Ventrella

No, torture is never justified

It’s sad to see that a large percentage of Americans think it’s perfectly fine to torture people.

There are three main arguments used: First, they’re bad guys. That apparently justifies everything. Bad guys deserve evil, twisted, sick punishment. This despite the fact that the majority of these “bad guys” had never even been given a trial, and we’ve already admitted that many were innocent, including at least one we killed through torture.

Doesn’t matter. Bad guys.

Second argument is that torture gives us useful information. This despite the fact that it doesn’t. The recent study showed that it didn’t. Previous studies have shown that it doesn’t. Every single study ever done shows that it doesn’t.

But it works on TV! In the fantasy world of fiction, torture works and therefore we should base real world policy on what people make up. People always come up with the kind of situation that, honestly, has never occurred. (“What if there is a ticking bomb and torture will force the captive to tell us where it is so we can save millions?”) It’s the same mentality that thinks “If we only all had guns, then whenever the bad guys tried something, all the good guys would fight back and never get hit and all the bad guys would die. That’s how it works in the movies!”

The prisoners in Gitmo were tortured and we learned nothing from them, except maybe how we aren’t always the good guys we like to pretend we are.

Third argument: It’s not really torture. “Ah,” as Arthur Dent would say. “This is apparently a new definition of ‘torture’ of which I am unaware.”

The definitions of torture were written by us, years ago, after WWII especially — Where we punished Nazis (and the Japanese) who did the exact same things to Americans that we later did to al Qaeda suspects. We knew what torture was then, and it hasn’t changed. It doesn’t stop being torture simply because we’re doing it.

Now, I am not denying that al Qaeda and other terrorist organizations are Bad Guys. The problem is that by torturing, we’re also the Bad Guys. There are no Good Guys in that scenario.

Having Bad Guys is a great way to recruit supporters. “Those Americans torture innocent people. They’re the Bad Guys. Join ISIS and fight against the Bad Guys!” Maybe that was part of the CIA’s plan — they just wanted more terrorists so they can get bigger budgets, I dunno…

Some Fox News assholes — I’m sorry, commentators have proclaimed that even George Washington would have approved of force feeding someone through their anus while they are chained from a ceiling. As usual, that’s not true either, as Washington said back in 1775 when discussing it with his soldiers:

“Should any American soldier be so base and infamous as to injure any [prisoner]. . . I do most earnestly enjoin you to bring him to such severe and exemplary punishment as the enormity of the crime may require. Should it extend to death itself, it will not be disproportional to its guilt at such a time and in such a cause… for by such conduct they bring shame, disgrace and ruin to themselves and their country.”

Forget about whatever legal arguments you might want to give. Torture is not ethical. It’s not something human beings should do to other human beings.

Slavery was once legal, too. That doesn’t make it right.

Editorial cartoon: Justifying torture

December 16, 2014 by Michael A. Ventrella

Merry War on Christmas, Everybody!

Last year I gave a challenge to which no one could meet. So let’s try again:

Find me one example of anyone trying to prevent people from celebrating Christmas. Just one.

What you’ll find are a bunch of whiners complaining that they don’t get to force their religion on everyone else.

Every example Fox News gives for a “War on Christmas” always boils down to something like “They won’t let us force kids to sing our religious songs!” or “They say ‘Happy Holidays’ which acknowledges that not everyone is a Christian and therefore they are attacking us!” or “They are refusing to allow us to use taxpayer dollars for a religious display.” (And yes, I used Fox News specifically because absolutely no one spoke of a “War on Christmas” until Fox invented it and saw their ratings boost.)

I submit to you that every so-called attack on Christmas is, in reality, fought in defense and wouldn’t even exist if these Christians weren’t trying to require everyone to obey their beliefs.*

Instead, there are some Christians who apparently are so insecure in their beliefs that if you say something like, “I respect your beliefs even though I do not share them and sincerely hope you have a happy holidays,” they are convinced that you are out to destroy everything they believe in.

So there’s my challenge. Find me an example where that’s not the case — where someone is trying to prevent Christians from celebrating Christmas.

(And I mean real examples, because no matter what, there will always be some lunatic who is trying to prevent his neighbors from displaying a religious symbol because he wrongly thinks the Constitution requires it or because aliens told him to or something. No matter what, there will always be one or two idiots on every issue.)

* and yes, I acknowledge that most Christians are good people who do not act this way, and are more concerned with keeping the Christ in “Christian” than the Christ in “Christmas.”

Editorial cartoon: Two lies

December 15, 2014 by Michael A. Ventrella

Oh, NOW we get a Surgeon General

Today, the Senate finally approved Obama’s Surgeon General candidate who had been held up because he had the audacity to say that maybe shooting people isn’t good for their health. That made the NRA say no, and as we all know, the NRA takes precedence over logic and reason any day.

Might have been nice to have him back when there was the Ebola scare, huh? Back when Republicans were arguing that Obama had no one in charge while simultaneously stopping him from having someone in charge? Fortunately, the election ended and Ebola disappeared because Fox News and the Republicans didn’t need to scare anyone any more. Hooray! Everyone was saved!

Well, they finally approved him, because there was really no reason not to. The guy is very qualified.

So here’s to your health.

Editorial cartoon: Just a few more steps to go…

December 12, 2014 by Michael A. Ventrella

No, Illinois has not made the filming of cops illegal

Here’s an important lesson which I hope all readers of this blog already know:

Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.

There’s a new meme going around about how terrible that new law in Illinois is because it makes it a crime to film police! Except, of course, that it doesn’t.

Mind you, I am all in favor of filming police when they perform their actions. I support cameras in police cars and on officers. In fact, a dashboard camera video recently helped me get a “not guilty” finding for my client in a trial since it contradicted the officer’s statement and showed that my client was not “intoxicated, staggering, and slurring his words.”

This Illinois law is very similar to one we have here in Pennsylvania, which I support. It prohibits you being filmed without your consent in private situations. It does not protect you when you are in obvious public places where your expectation of privacy is minimal.

In other words, the law prevents me from secretly recording a phone call with you, secretly recording a private conversation, or otherwise infringing on your privacy. It also prevents you from secretly recording a police officer in his private life in matters that are unrelated to his job or in situations where, for instance, the cop is having a private talk with a judge or a lawyer in a courtroom. That’s a good thing.

This law does not protect police officers in the traditional course of their duty, even if they are talking to you privately — because the officer has no “expectation of privacy” in his position.

The law has the support of the ACLU, because it protects privacy. It’s a good law. The meme trying to make people dislike it is misguided.