The prequels that do not exist

If you’re about to show the Star Wars movie to some kid who has never seen them, for God’s sake, start with Episode 4: A New Hope. Don’t ruin it for the poor tyke.

I can’t stand the prequels and like to pretend they never exist. Oh, sure, if it was just those three, it would be an acceptable trilogy, no better than many other space operas. But the fact is that they ruin the original trilogy’s storyline in so many ways as to make me pull my hair

If you watch the films in order, you’re sure to ask:

What’s the big deal about the line “Luke, I am your father”?  So what, I knew that all along. 

Why doesn’t C3PO tell Luke who his father is? For that matter, why doesn’t Obi-Wan recognize the droids (and vice versa)?

How could Luke be “hidden” in plain sight on Anakin’s home planet with his relatives and not been found?

And how did Obi-Wan age so much in the twenty years or so between trilogies?

Why did Leia say she knew her mother in Return of the Jedi when her mother died in childbirth?

For that matter, why did Obi-wan have to be reminded by Yoda that there was “another”? He already knew about Leia, right? 

If midi-chlorians are in the bloodstream, then why don’t people just do blood transfusions so everyone can have these powers?  Surely the Empire would have thought of that by now.

Look, maybe I’m pickier about these kinds of things because story is most important to me (says the guy who writes novels). I’ve never been impressed by mere special effects and cool battle scenes without some connection to the characters and the plotline.

So between the unlikable characters and the contradictory plots in the prequels, you can see why I tell everyone THEY DON’T EXIST.  Because otherwise, they just ruin my enjoyment of the original series.

Editorial cartoon of the day

May the 4th be with you — except the prequels

I love a good pun (as anyone who has checked out my book titles know)… And today I am being bombarded on Facebook with “Star Wars Day” — not because the film was released today or anything, but simply for the pun.

I remember seeing the first film (now known as “A New Hope”) about a week after it came out. My friend Gary Walker had seen it and was raving about it, so we went down to the local mall to see it. I enjoyed it tremendously, and anxiously awaited each sequel. Although I read a lot of science fiction, I was never a Star Wars fanboy. I didn’t buy the books or toys (I was already in college), and still can’t name all the side characters everyone knows by heart, but there’s no doubt I enjoyed the films.

Then Lucas ruined the films with the prequels — or as they are known around my house “The Films Which Shall Not Be Named.”

There are thousands of stories that could be told in the Star Wars universe (which I hope Disney will consider). Instead, Lucas gives us the earlier story of Darth Vader.

Let’s ignore the fact that the films are terribly directed and acted, full of cartoony CGI, and look like their primary purpose is to sell toys. Let’s just talk about the story of the prequels.

Where’s the suspense? We know how the trilogy ends. We know what happens to Vader. There were absolutely no surprises or twists or “Luke, I’m your father” moments in the film.

To make matters worse, anyone watching the films in order today will have all the twists in the later films spoiled. “Oh, Vader is Luke’s father? Big deal, I knew that two films ago.”

But the films also are not consistent in and of themselves. Vader creates C3PO when he’s a kid and yet C3PO never mentions this to anyone in the later films? And Vader just forgets? And seriously, if you’re trying to hide Luke from Vader, why are you putting him on the planet where he was born, using the same last name?

Besides, Jar Jar Binks.

So let’s hope Disney takes the new films they are making in the Star Wars universe and does something new. We don’t have to see the same story again. There are trillions of people in the universe, let’s have some of their stories. Disney has a good producer/director/writer in charge, and I have A New Hope that things will be better. (Heh)

Just keep Lucas away from it.