“Jesus Christ, what do I have to say before you guys stop supporting me?” Trump asked at a rally recently.

“I’ve said before that I could shoot someone and you’d still vote for me but I was exaggerating — but now I think it’s true,” He said as he mopped his brow and cursed softly under his breath.

“I mean, come on — I’ve called for people to be beaten up at my rallies, said that women who have abortions should be jailed, made fun of a reporter’s handicap, called Mexican immigrants rapists, and said racist things about the President. My campaign manager beats up women and I support him, and I’ve been endorsed by the KKK. What more can I do?

“And policy positions? I made huge promises without once saying how I would accomplish anything. I’ve practically admitted I know nothing about foreign policy.

“And you Bible thumpers out there still support me, even after I misquote your holy book and can’t name a single part of it? Jesus, I’d think you’d hate me already for my adultery and many wives. I mean, isn’t that one of your top ten sins or something?”

Trump bowed his head and seemed to be holding back tears. “For fuck’s sake, I never wanted to be President,” he mumbled. “I just wanted some attention.”

The crowd waved its confederate flags and cheered, once more ignoring everything he said.