Top 100 Beatles Solo Songs

In the seven years the Beatles recorded together, they created amazing music.  I’ve previously listed the Top 100 Beatles songs and a few weeks ago listed all the Beatles solo singles.  Today I present my Top 100 Beatles solo songs.

This is not a list of their “greatest hits” – I paid no attention to whether a song was a hit single.  Just because “Ebony and Ivory” may be one of Paul’s biggest hits doesn’t mean it’s one of his best songs. Beatles70

Since Paul has been making music continuously for the past 45 years or so, most of these are his.  John, after all, only had a few years to produce music, George also died too soon, and Ringo is, well, Ringo.  (His best stuff was when he was with producer and writer Mark Hudson.)

The list is organized chronologically by Beatle.

This is my opinion only.  Your mileage may vary.  However, if you are looking to expand your post-Beatles library of songs, might I suggest the following?

JOHN

  1. Instant Karma (We All Shine On)
  2. God
  3. Hold On
  4. Imagine
  5. Jealous Guy
  6. Gimme Some Truth
  7. Woman is the Nigger of the World
  8. Mind Games
  9. Out the Blue
  10. I Know (I Know)
  11. Intuition
  12. #9 Dream
  13. Whatever Gets You Through The Night
  14. Nobody Loves You When You’re Down and Out
  15. (Just Like) Starting Over
  16. Nobody Told Me

PAUL

  1. Maybe I’m Amazed
  2. Junk
  3. Every Night
  4. Teddy Boy
  5. Another Day
  6. Too Many People
  7. Dear Boy
  8. Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey
  9. Heart of the Country
  10. Monkberry Moon Delight
  11. The Back Seat of My Car
  12. Give Ireland Back to the Irish
  13. Tomorrow
  14. Hi Hi Hi
  15. Big Barn Bed
  16. Single Pigeon
  17. I Lie Around
  18. Live and Let Die
  19. Helen Wheels
  20. Band on the Run
  21. Jet
  22. Mrs. Vandebilt
  23. Junior’s Farm
  24. Venus and Mars/Rock Show
  25. Magneto and Titanium Man
  26. Girl’s School
  27. Getting Closer
  28. Spin It On
  29. Temporary Secretary
  30. Take it Away
  31. Press
  32. Back on My Feet
  33. My Brave Face
  34. You Want Her Too
  35. This One
  36. Mistress and Maid
  37. Calico Skies
  38. Young Boy
  39. Beautiful Night
  40. Jenny Wren
  41. Fine Line
  42. English Tea
  43. Ever Present Past
  44. The End of the End
  45. Nod Your Head
  46. Save Us
  47. Queeny Eye

GEORGE

  1. My Sweet Lord
  2. What is Life
  3. All Things Must Pass
  4. Apple Scruffs
  5. Beware of Darkness
  6. Isn’t it a Pity
  7. Living in the Material World
  8. Give Me Love (Give Me Peace on Earth)
  9. Don’t Let Me Wait Too Long
  10. Dark Horse
  11. Crackerbox Palace
  12. It’s What You Value
  13. Woman Don’t You Cry For Me
  14. This Song
  15. Deep Blue
  16. Dream Away
  17. All Those Years Ago
  18. Got My Mind Set on You
  19. Devil’s Radio
  20. When We Was Fab
  21. P2 Vatican Blues (Last Saturday Night)
  22. Any Road

RINGO

  1. It Don’t Come Easy
  2. Back Off Boogaloo
  3. I’m The Greatest
  4. Photograph
  5. Goodnight Vienna
  6. Weight of the World
  7. One
  8. Vertical Man
  9. La De Da
  10. Elizabeth Reigns
  11. Never Without You
  12. Missouri Loves Company
  13. Fading In Fading Out
  14. Some People
  15. Don’t Hang Up

A Couple Hundred Shades of Grey

“Today there is no day or night / Today there is no dark or light / Today there is no black or white / only shades of gray…”

This new movie, based on the Twilight-fan-fiction-turned-major-bestseller-but-terribly-written book, has lots of people up in arms, but damned if it isn’t giving me conflicting emotions.50ShadesofGreyCoverArt

The book and film apparently glorify what would legally be considered rape, where Mr. Grey takes advantage of an innocent girl and forces her to do things against her will. Many people are upset about this book (and now a movie) which makes this desirable and appealing to women.

But it is. That’s the problem. There are many women who love this book and its sequels and are dying to see this film. Who am I to criticize them for what they find sexy and attractive?

I mean, come on, there’s plenty of pornography out there that appeals to our worst instincts — things that make me go “What the hell?  Who would ever find that sexy?” but clearly someone does or they wouldn’t be making it. It’s not my job to tell people they can’t watch porno made by consenting adults doing things I would never in a million years find sexy.

…But that stuff doesn’t get financed by the major studios and shown in theaters. It doesn’t show up on the New York Times bestseller lists.

So dammit, I am confused. Someone likes this and wants to see the film and read the books. No one is forcing them to like it;  they really do like it. I don’t want someone judging what I like and telling me I shouldn’t like it. Someone has this fantasy for whatever reason.

There have been plenty of right-wing groups that protest whenever a film has a gay love scene, because they disapprove of it. I certainly don’t want to be like those guys, who want to censor things that don’t match their personal views.

On the other hand, I also don’t think we should let people think this is acceptable behavior. Mr. Grey is clearly the Bad Guy here. The problem is that he isn’t being portrayed as one; instead, some women desire him. Many women, based on book sales.

Sometimes literature is about bad guys and might be told from their point of view. That doesn’t mean we are supposed to agree with them. There have been stories where people get mistreated terribly. That doesn’t mean the person telling the story thinks that is a good thing.

So I’m torn between my dislike of bad messages (and bad writing) and my desire to not censor or criticize what others might want to see.

I think the most important thing to do is to say, “This is a fantasy.  In real life, this would be legally rape” — but I would never stand in the way of those who want to see it anyway.

“To Kill a Mockingbird” Sequel Suggestions

Man!  Slow down, lady, I haven’t finished the last one yet!  Harper Lee has announced a sequel to “To Kill a Mockingbird” will soon come out, 55 years later.  Below are some suggested titles that I and my Facebook friends came up with to help her … although it seemed primarily we came up with ideas for the kind of sequels Hollywood would do:

  • To Kill a Mockingbird 2:  Electric Boogaloo
  • 2 Kill 2 Mockingbird
  • To Mock a Killingbird
  • Walk Hard:  The Boo Radley Storypvcategoryimage280220140516421605
  • How the Finch stole Christmas
  • Fifty Shades of Mockingbird
  • Hunger Games 5:  Mockingbird
  • Atticus Shrugged
  • Mockingbird:  Resurrection
  • Mockingbird 2: How Scout Got Her Groove Back
  • Faster, Mockingbird! Kill! Kill!
  • To Lame a Starling
  • To Aggravatingly Assault a Woodpecker
  • To Kneecap a Redwing Blackbird
  • Mockingbird 2:  Scout Goes to Ferguson
  • Dude, Where’s My Mockingbird?
  • I, Mockingbird
  • Mockingbird 2:  Mock Harder
  • Abbot and Costello Meet the Mockingbird
  • Come Back to the Five and Dime Boo Radley, Boo Radley
  • One Flew Over the Mockingbird’s Nest
  • Boo Watches the Watchmen
  • Those Incredible Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Crazy, Mixed-up Mockingbirds
  • Mockingbird: The Next Generation
  • The Revenge of the Undead Rabid Dog
  • Finch/Off
  • Don’t Tell Mom the Mockingbird’s Dead
  • Tinker, Tailor, Mockingbird, Spy
  • Tequila Mockingbird: Atticus’ Problem (ABC Afterschool Special Version)
  • The Desolation of Mockingbird
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Mockingbirds
  • Mockingbird 2:  Tom the Zombie
  • Mockingbirds Are Go!
  • Mockingbirdnado

Thanks again to all my Facebook friends who assisted in this list!  (You can go to my Facebook page to read them all and see who submitted each one.)

 

Beatles Solo Charting Singles

Once the Beatles split up, we had four times the music being produced, often at 25% of the original quality.

This is a list of all of the Beatles solo singles that made the Billboard charts in order of their release date, because I didn’t see a similar list anywhere else (although it’s probably out there somewhere.)Beatles70

This is not a list of their best songs.  Just because something was released as a single doesn’t mean it was any good, and there are plenty of album tracks that are far superior to some of these.

I did not include the Traveling Wilburys in this chart, because while George was a major participant it wasn’t really a George solo project.

This was fun for me to compile, because I first got into the Beatles after they split (I’m not that old!) and I remember going to my local record store and being excited whenever a new album or single came out … especially late 1973 – early 1974, when I was 15, and all four produced some of their best albums and singles.

Song (John, Paul, George or Ringo) Release date (Highest chart position)

Give Peace a Chance (J) 7/7/69 (14)

Cold Turkey (J) 10/20/69 (30)

Instant Karma (J) 2/20/70 (3)

My Sweet Lord (G) 11/1/70 (1)

Mother (J) 12/28/70 (43)

What is Life (G) 2/2/71 (10)

Another Day (P) 2/19/71 (5)

Power to the People (J) 3/12/71 (11)

It Don’t Come Easy (R) 4/4/71 (4) george

Bangla Desh (G) 7/1/71 (23)

Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey (P) 8/2/71 (1)

Imagine (J) 9/11/71 (3)

Give Ireland Back to the Irish (P) 2/25/72 (21)

Back Off Boogaloo (R) 3/12/72 (9)

Woman is the Nigger of the World (J) 4/24/72 (57)

Mary Had a Little Lamb (P) 5/12/72 (28)

Hi Hi Hi (P) 12/1/72 (10)

My Love (P) 3/23/73 (1)

Give Me Love (Give Me Peace on Earth) (G) 5/5/73 (1)

Live and Let Die (P) 6/1/73 (2)johnny

Photograph (R) 9/24/73 (1)

Helen Wheels (P) 10/26/73 (10)

Mind Games (J) 10/29/73 (18)

You’re Sixteen (R) 12/3/73 (1)

Jet (P) 2/15/74 (7)

Oh My My (R) 2/18/74 (5)

Band on the Run (P) 6/28/74 (1)

Whatever Gets You Through the Night (J) 9/23/74 (1)

Junior’s Farm (P) 10/25/74 (3)

Only You (R) 11/11/74 (6)

Dark Horse (G) 11/18/74 (15)

#9 Dream (J) 12/16/74 (9)

Ding Dong Ding Dong (G) 12/23/74 (36)

No No Song (R) 1/27/75 (3)

Stand By Me (J) 3/10/75 (20)

Listen to What the Man Said (P) 5/16/75 (1)

(It’s all Down to) Goodnight Vienna (R) 6/2/75  (31)

Letting Go (P) 9/5/75 (39) ringo1

You (G) 10/3/75 (20)

Venus and Mars/Rock Show (P) 11/28/75 (12)

Silly Love Songs (P) 4/1/76 (1)

Let ‘Em In (P) 6/28/76 (3)

A Dose of Rock and Roll (R) 9/20/76 (26)

This Song (G) 11/15/76 (25)

Hey Baby (R) 11/22/76 (74)

Crackerbox Palace (G) 1/24/77 (19)

Maybe I’m Amazed (live version) (P) 2/4/77 (10)

Girl’s School (P) 11/11/77 (33)

With a Little Luck (P) 3/23/78 (1)

I’ve Had Enough (P) 6/16/78 (25)

London Town (P) 8/26/78 (39)

Blow Away (G) 2/23/79 (16)

Goodnight Tonight (P) 3/23/79 (5)

Getting Closer (P) 6/20/79 (20)

Arrow Through Me (P) 8/3/79 (29) paul

Coming Up (P) 4/11/80 (1)

(Just Like) Starting Over (J) 10/27/80 (1)

Woman (J) 1/12/81 (2)

Watching the Wheels (J) 3/13/81 (10)

All Those Years Ago (G) 6/5/81 (2)

Wrack My Brain (R) 10/27/81 (38)

Ebony and Ivory (P) 3/29/82 (1)

Take It Away (P) 6/21/82 (10)

Tug of War (P) 9/20/82 (53)

Say Say Say (P) 10/3/83 (1)

So Bad (P) 12/5/83 (23)

Wake Up My Love (G) 11/5/82 (53)

Nobody Told Me (J) 1/5/84 (5)

No More Lonely Nights (P) 9/24/84 (6)

I’m Stepping Out (J) 3/15/85 (55)

Spies Like Us (P) 11/18/85 (7)

Press (P) 7/14/86 (21)

Stranglehold (P) 11/12/86 (81)

Got My Mind Set on You (G) 11/3/87 (1)

When We Was Fab (G) 1/22/88 (23)

My Brave Face (P) 5/8/89 (25)

This One (P) 7/17/89 (94)

Figure of Eight (P) 11/13/89 (92)

Hope of Deliverance (P) 12/28/92 (83)

The World Tonight (P) 7/7/97 (64)

Freedom (P) 11/5/01 (97)

Dance Tonight (P) 6/18/07 (69)

Number Ones:

Paul (9)
George (3)
John (2)
Ringo (2)

A Great Christmas Gift Idea (for you and me!)

Hey!  Want to buy yourself a great holiday gift while at the same time saying, “Hey, Michael A. Ventrella, thanks for all the entertaining blog posts I’ve enjoyed”?  Why not buy one of my books? That way we both win!  You get a fun and entertaining read, and I get another small book sale.  You can download a copy for less than $5!

Here’s what people have said about my latest, “Bloodsuckers:  A Vampire Runs for President”:bloodsuckers-510

Bloodsuckers takes modern politics and adds vampires to the mix (yes, we already know all the jokes you’re making!) to make it actually new and exciting. Washed-up reporter Steve Edwards can’t believe what he sees when a Presidential candidate is gunned down by a man who then disappears before his eyes, apparently transformed to a bat. But that’s just the beginning as Steve finds he’s been framed for the crime and what he’s seen is just the very tip of a blood-drinking iceberg. Ventrella’s quick, bright dialogue punctuates the adventure with dry humor even as he ratchets the tension up towards an ending that might just surprise even the jaded reader. Highly recommended!” – Ryk E. Spoor, author of Grand Central Arena and Phoenix Rising

Bloodsuckers draws back the curtain of politics and confirms the fear we’ve all suspected about our leaders for decades. A cutting expose of the—what, this is fiction? Naw … Well then. Funny, quick, too smart for its own good. Had me viewing politicians with new suspicion.” – Mur Lafferty, Campbell-Award-winning author of Ghost Train to New Orleans and The Shambling Guide to New York City

“Sharp as a stake through the heart, Bloodsuckers works both as an entertaining thriller and as satire of our current out-for-blood political landscape. I loved the characters, the political insight and the final revelation!” – Dennis Tafoya, author of The Poor Boy’s Game and The Wolves of Fairmont Park

Bloodsuckers is a delicious blend of mainstream thriller, oddball horror, and biting social commentary. Sink your teeth into this one!” – Jonathan Maberry, New York Times bestselling author of Code Zero and V-Wars

“What could be more horrifying than vampires with a taste for blood? Vampires with a taste for politics, as well. Mike Ventrella gives us both, plus action, adventure, laughs and chills, in Bloodsuckers, a political satire with bite.” – Jon McGoran, author of Drift and Deadout

“Politics, intrigue and vampires—a match made in Washington, DC. A bloody good political thriller that sucks you in from the start and gets its teeth into your imagination.” – Gail Z. Martin, author of Reign of Ash and Deadly Curiosities

“The book is a lot of fun. It manages to be many things at once. It’s both thrilling and humorous. Both politically charged and poignant without being preachy.” – Lucas Mangum, author of Flesh and Fire.

Many bloggers have a button for “tips” if you enjoy reading their blogs, and some have ads.  (The ads you may see here are placed by WordPress — I don’t get any income from them.)

All I ask is that you give my books a try — if you like VentrellaQuest, you’ll probably like the books, too!

So Happy Holidays!   And thanks for all your support!

Goodbye Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert’s last show was last night (No spoilers!  I recorded it and will watch it later!). With just a few lines of sarcasm, he could take down ridiculous right-wing talking points in a way Jon Stewart could not.  (Not to dis Stewart;  it’s just a different way to make the same points.)

The last month or so on Colbert has been interesting, because he seems to have dropped his character more often and seems to be saying what he really thinks in his own voice.  Let’s hope he continues that on his new show.

I did a search to find some of his best quotes, but let’s face it — he’s been on the air for years and there are many.  So here are just a few for the fun of it:

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.

This is a picture my wife made of Stephen Colbert using dryer lint.  It's now hanging in a Ripley's Believe it or Not Museum somewhere.  Her web page is here:  www.heidihooper.com

This is a picture my wife made of Stephen Colbert using dryer lint. It’s now hanging in a Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum somewhere. Her web page is here: http://www.heidihooper.com

Isn’t an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade… which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

I love the earth. If you ask me it’s the greatest planet in the world.

I love the truth. It’s the facts I’m not a fan of.

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait — no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I’m confused. Also hungry.

In God’s eyes, all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

It’s August, which means Congress is in recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

Mitt Romney’s email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they’re from a bot, he’s fixed the problem.

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life. Unfortunately, it won’t date them either.

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.

I don’t know why Obama’s denying the Gitmo prisoners habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.

Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.

Researchers from Britain’s Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun.

The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.

There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.

Where does Congress get off saying that people have a right to Habeas Corpus? It’s like they’re holding these truths to be self-evident!

We need to cut the budget. If we don’t cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Think books aren’t scary? Well, think about this: You can’t spell “Book” without “Boo!”

NASA reported that they found methane gas being emitted on Mars. I always thought that came from Uranus.

Now, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because police officers call me “sir”.

I stand by George W. Bush because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers, and rubble, and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo-ops in the world.

I’m disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn’t even have a religion if it wasn’t for capital punishment.

Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge … or when I want to create some.

Why would we go to war on women? They don’t have any oil.

Hillary Clinton said one of her favorite movies is The Wizard of Oz. Well, I re-watched it recently, and I can’t believe I never noticed the liberal subtext before. Judy Garland — gay icon — stars as Dorothy, an innocent girl from the Heartland, who gets swept away to a drug-induced fantasy land where’s she’s greeted by labor activists from the local guild. After she murders a powerful Oz official, she becomes a fugitive, hitting the road with a racially diverse group including a laborer, an animal-rights activist, and a treehugger. Who are all, for some mysterious reason, great dancers. And along the way, they get so high on poppies they think they’re being attacked by flying monkeys. Folks, there’s a short walk from “There’s no place like home” to “It Takes a Village.”

Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.

Dreams can change. If we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn’t help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we’ve got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don’t want to do it.

 

Remembering John Lennon

On December 8, 1980, my fellow disc jockeys and I were gathered up in the WVCW studio. Exams started soon, so we college kids were having our radio station Christmas party early. I was the Program Director and proud of our station — we were the only station in Richmond playing that “new wave” music (Elvis Costello, Talking Heads, Ramones, Clash) but even then, you would still find plenty of Beatles in rotation. lennon “You can’t go wrong with the Beatles” was a phrase I’d say to my DJs.

Suddenly, one of the DJs came rushing in. “Lennon’s been killed!” There was a shocked pause. I ran into the control room and turned to the news feed.  It was true.  We switched over to the news feed so our listeners would know.

I was in a daze that night.  The party had crashed.  Why would someone want John Lennon dead?

As Heidi and I silently walked back to our apartment, we saw our friend Craig Evans heading the other way, hands in his pockets, looking dejected. Craig is a musician who now leads the band The Taters. He and I had jammed together a bunch of times and I knew how much of a Beatles fan he was.

“Craig!”  Heidi yelled. “Lennon’s dead!”

All my frustration exploded at that point and I screamed at Heidi. “That’s not how you break bad news!” I was irate, and wrongly took my anger at Lennon’s death out on my girlfriend (now my wife).

I slept on the couch that night and dreamed that my father had died.

The next day, I prepared a list of Beatles songs that John had written so the DJs wouldn’t say “Here’s another song to tribute John Lennon” and then stick on “Yesterday.” I also told them which songs not to play because they referenced death (“Yer Blues”; “She Said She Said”; “Happiness is a Warm Gun”;  etc.) I had no classes that day so some of the DJs let me take over their shows. I played Lennon and Beatles all day.

Lennon’s death affected me like no other celebrity death (until Jim Henson’s), not just because I am such a fan of his but also because of its suddenness and senselessness. When George Harrison died many years later, it did not affect me the same, because it was expected; he had been fighting cancer for years.

Even today, I get a bit choked up about it.

Things I Will Never Say

A few of my friends made some comments on Facebook recently about sentences you will never hear me say.  Thought I’d share them here.  (Plus that way I don’t have to write a blog post today).  I didn’t credit them here because I wasn’t sure everyone would want to be mentioned, but I appreciate the laughs from everyone!

5THINGS I WILL NEVER SAY

“I need to clean my gun.” 

“Nothing beats steak for dinner.”

“All right! Amazon has the first season of Duck Dynasty on Blue Ray for 20% off!”

“I agree with Rush Limbaugh.”

“The Miley Cyrus concert was off the chain!”

“I started taking steroids because the gym was taking away too much time from my training dogs for fighting.”

“Who wants to come over to my house to watch the Super Bowl?”

“I need a new pair of Air Jordans.”

“Cartoons are for children.”

“Less cowbell.”

“The socialist government wants to take away our God-given right to bear arms!”

“Books?  I don’t read books.”

“Judge, my client is clearly guilty and the Constitution is worthless and outdated, so let’s get on with it.”

“Man, the Beatles suck.”

“I’d vote for Ted Cruz;  I just wish he was more conservative.”

“I hate when people post pictures of their cats.”

“Don’t Bogart that joint, my friend.”

“Dr. Dre is all right, I guess, but nothing beats the Wu Tang Clan.”

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned.”

“I’m not going to post on Facebook for an entire half hour.”

 

Gamer: It’s a Good Thing. Stop Making It Slimy

by Guest Blogger Ryk Spoor

I rarely make what could be considered political or activist posts. This is mainly because of two things:

  • I am rarely 100% certain of everything I say, contrary to many people’s impressions of me. On important subjects, I hear people talking, with apparent authority, and saying things that come to opposite conclusions. I’m not equipped any better than most of these people to decide who’s right and who’s wrong. I may come to a conclusion of what *I* think is the truth, and maybe even post it, but I’ll do little more than that most of the time, because either there’s a possibility that I am wrong and I’m not going to waste time defending a possibly-wrong position, or I will be involved in an acrimonious online argument, leading to
  • I hate arguments that actually make me feel angry, sad, or otherwise negative. An intellectual debate about things that don’t emotionally batter me? Fine. But if I get to the point that it’s actually making me mad or sad? I stop, because I don’t like feeling that way, I have other things that are more important that can cause those emotions, and I’m not going to waste the significant emotional resources dealing with them in some stupid online debate.

However, every once in a while, a subject comes up that strikes close enough to my very nature that I can’t get it out of my head. #Gamergate has become one of those.  gamergate_icon

I’m not going to detail the origin of this clusterfuck (and yes, I’m not censoring myself for once). Basically, some jerk became an ex-boyfriend rather than a boyfriend, posted a screed against the ex-girlfriend – as jerks have been known to do for decades, although in pre-Internet days they’d just rant to their friends and start rumors in school. Among the resulting rumors was that the lady in question had effectively offered sex to a reviewer in exchange for a favorable review for the game produced by the lady in question.

This produced a bunch of insulting, threatening outrage – directed not at the putative reviewer, whose actions would have been the real problem, but at the woman in question. Oddly, the fact that THE REVIEW IN QUESTION DIDN’T EXIST never seemed to matter in the slightest.

So, the actual rage? Had nothing at all to do with sex-for-reviews or in fact anything ethics related. It had everything to do, basically, with the fact that a woman dared tread into the hallowed world of gaming and expect anyone to listen to her.

This got worse. It escalated to rape and death threats. This then extended to other women whose only crime was that they dared point out that something was rotten in the state of gaming, to the point that some of them, including Brianna Wu, left their homes because they were afraid that some of the threats – which included their home addresses and other information, a charming little behavior called “doxxing” (documenting)– might be genuine.

This makes me almost incoherently furious. See, I *am* a gamer. I’ve called myself a gamer since before that was a “thing” – long before the video games that these asshats get so flamingly stupid over existed. I’ve played RPGs since 1977, played computer games since the 80s, played on consoles since 1995, and “gamer” is a proud title, one I’ve been passing on to my kids. I met my wife-to-be gaming. My best friends are ALL gamers.

And these bastards are making this personal part of my life, the very label and symbol of something I’ve used as both a professional and social tool, something that’s been part of my very existence for decades, a word that people now shy away from.

I don’t, personally, know any of the high-profile names in this mess, though some of them I recognize. But I *DO* recognize the evil, small-minded, petty, selfish, sneering, slimy, putrescent foulness their detractors spread all over everything. I know you bastards. I’ve seen it all before. I’ve watched it in gaming clubs and in anime groups, I’ve heard it in fanboy groupings and video-game chats. I’ve seen it in high-profile science-fiction fandom and in small private gatherings. I’ve seen it used against women (most often), gays, or just that guy or gal who’s “different” – and always, ALWAYS against people they think haven’t got the resources, strength, or guts to confront them, or else from behind a mask, never with the courage to face anyone as an equal.

People out there saying it’s just a small group of trolls? BULLSHIT. This is endemic. It’s not the whole of the gaming community, no. It’s not even the majority. But it’s far, FAR from being just a few loonies. Oh, there are loonies involved, no doubt about it. But for every ten assholes out there actually posting rape threats and talking about shooting someone or breaking into their house and dumping their targets’ contact info, there’s a hundred or a thousand more who are thinking the same things and secretly, or not so secretly, cheering them on, and a bunch more who may wince at what’s being said, but try to convince themselves with oh-so-reasonable tones that “well, there’s something to what they say…”

NO. There’s NOTHING to what they say. There’s nothing but hateful misogynistic cowardly gutless bullshit to what they say. It’s not about ethics – no one, least of all these sons-of-bitches, cares whether reviews are influenced by sex or anything else, or they’d be asking why it is that there isn’t a high-profile game released that gets less than a 4 out of 5, and more like 4.8 out of 5, from any big-name source, and getting all furious about the fact that game companies are pressuring reviewers to be dishonest instead of saying “Final Zelda Combat 6 is a total piece of crap. 1.2 out of 5 stars, and I’m being generous”. But they don’t. The ethics and sanctity of gaming? Meaningless to them.

No, they’re targeting a woman because she’s in their goddamn stupid clubhouse. They’re threatening women who point out that there is hardly a game published that doesn’t show girls and women as targets, prizes, or eye candy. They’re furious that women dare try to be a market force and push those subhuman wankers’ little pathetic piece of the world out into the light of the fucking twentieth century (yes, I said twentieth. These GamerGate dickheads aren’t IN the twentieth yet, they’re still in the nineteenth, if we’re lucky). They’re mad because women aren’t content to SHUT UP and stay out of the clubhouse. Or in some cases mad because they think they should “have” a woman of their “own”, and are incapable of grasping that that very thought is the problem.

You know the only thing I think their targets have done wrong? To leave their homes. Notbecause I think the threats are empty; some of them might be very real. There may be real danger. And it’s true that this is only my feeling – I can’t really judge what other people’s fear and choices are.

But from my point of view, they’ve let those gods-damned bastards WIN. Those pusillanimous filth know now that they can shatter the lives of their targets just with disgusting invective and threats, sniggering behind the anonymous safety of their screens hundreds of miles away. They don’t have to actually carry OUT threats. They can drive their targets out of their own homes with fear, make them hide, drain their resources, their time, their energy – in short, destroy them without ever even FACING them.

Cowardly thugs without even the courage of the bullies I knew in high school; at least they’dsay insults to my face. I spit at these people – and I abuse the term ‘people’ in that context. They disgust me.

I have a wife who has been a gamer with me. She is my partner, she is my friend – my best friend in the whole world – she is a fan and a reader and writer and part of the geeky world that is my home. I have two daughters, both of whom take joy in video games and Godzilla and anime and Frozen and Avengers.

And they BELONG IN ALL THOSE PLACES. I want my wife, or my daughters, to be able to go into any convention, or become part of any damn industry, they want without worrying that some asshole is going to threaten them, harass them, treat them as anything less than they are simply because they happened to have two X chromosomes instead of an X and a Y.

You monstrous, gutless, worthless pieces of shit in #gamergate – YOU are the ones who don’t belong. Get the hell back to whatever misbegotten shithole spawned you. You’re not defending anything. You’re agents of destruction, vicious little remnants of savagery who have no place in a civilized world. Grow up – or go straight to hell.

—–

Ryk E. Spoor is a science-fiction and fantasy author as well as the R&D Coordinator for a small high-tech firm; he has written manuals, technical documentation, gaming manual materials, and patents (and holds several patents of his own). Born in Omaha, Nebraska, he and his family lived in several locations around the country, but mostly in the Capital District of New York; he has a BA in Psychology and a Master’s in Information Sciences. He lives in Troy, NY with his wife, four children, one poodle, and a lot of chickens.

Top Three Reasons Why Monty Python is Important

With their live reunion show done (I’m anxiously awaiting its airing), the members of Monty Python are once again in the news.

Monty Python can be compared to the Beatles — They didn’t invent anything;  they just took what had been done before, improved it, and made it their own.  (And, like the Beatles, they were never quite as great apart as they were together.)

I remember being astounded at their humor when PBS first started showing their TV shows in the US when I was in High School.  My friends would gather at the house on Monty Python night to watch. monty_python_01 Many of the skits I first learned from their records, long before I ever saw them performed on the TV show (so in my mind, the records are the “official” versions).  A group of us went to the afternoon showing of “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” on opening day, and the usher gave us all free coconuts as we left.  (Seriously, that was the promotion.)  I went back a few more times to see it in the theater after that, and practically have it memorized now.   The main character in my latest novel BLOODSUCKERS is a Python fan, and he quotes the show often (which usually confuses those around him).  I have lots of Python books and films.  You can say I am a fan.  If you don’t believe me, you can ask my cats, Mrs. Premise and Mrs. Conclusion.

Anyway, besides being tremendously funny, here’s why they are important:

1.  They broke the rules about TV comedy.  When John Cleese was given the opportunity to create his own show for BBC, he asked for complete freedom.  He was already a bit of a comedy star in Britain and could have easily made this “The John Cleese Show” (like his previous partner Marty Feldman had done — wouldn’t it have been interesting had he not, and had joined Python instead?) but instead he wanted a team effort.  Instead of a traditional comedy show where there would be a skit with a punch line and then the guest host would introduce the next skit and then someone would sing a song and so on, the Pythons decided to just do a comedy show, and screw those punch lines.  When the premise stopped being funny, just stop the skit and move on to something else.  For that matter, they’d often end the show in the middle, run closing titles, and then keep going.  Rules?  We don’t need rules!

2.  They never edited themselves for being smart.  “That won’t play in the boonies” was never an issue with the Oxford- and Cambridge-educated Pythons.  So what if half the country wouldn’t get their jokes about philosophers?  If it made them laugh, it went in.  (Which meant, of course, even if it was gross or childish.  It works both ways!)

3. They refused to take the easy way out. The easy thing to do if you are writing for a comedy show is to reuse characters.  You’d write a great sketch (Say, “The Coneheads”) and then, after it goes over, you rewrite the same sketch with a slight variation and run it again.  The audience is happy to see their favorite characters back again and it’s easy work.  The Pythons refused to do that.  Oh sure, there were minor “characters” (such as the Gumbys and the Pepperpots) but they were rarely used and when used, they were not just repeating the same old skit in a new way. There were also a few that appeared tremendously briefly (Palin as the “It’s” Man, Jones as the nude organist, Gilliam as the knight with a chicken, Cleese as the “And now for something completely different” announcer) but those were minor.  This decision to not take the easy way out with repeating skit ideas was a deliberate decision on their part.

4.  They took control of their own work.  I mean this in a legal sense as much as anything else.  Because the BBC assumed this would be just another comedy show that would appear for a few episodes and never be heard from again, they didn’t mind when the Pythons asked for the rights to the show.  In fact, when the BBC edited the show to give to American commercial TV, the Pythons sued — and won, establishing new precedents about what right a network has to change an artists’ creation.

5. There is no number 5.

So here’s to the Pythons.  Thanks, guys!

And now for something completely different.