A clever April Fool’s joke is always welcome, especially when it’s just plain funny, like an Onion article.
The kind of April Fool’s joke where you say a lie and then after everyone believes you, you say “April Fools!” is generally not appreciated. It’s not really clever and certainly distracts from people who really do have serious things happen to them tomorrow. Besides, anyone can do that. It doesn’t take skill or talent to say “Oh no, I broke my leg! Ha ha, April Fools.”
However, if your April Fool’s day lie is humorous, very clever, and most likely not believable, I’d love to read it. A good laugh is always welcome. (“I’ve just been asked to be Trump’s running mate!”)
Anyway, please be clever if you’re posting an April Fool’s joke. Thanks.
Happy New Year! Here it is, 2016, and time for our annual look back at the 2015 predictions made by psychics.
I predicted last year that, like every previous year we’ve done this (2014, 2013), the psychics would be wrong pretty much 100% of the time, and once more, I was right!
I must be psychic!
Of course, some of their predictions did come true, but you didn’t have to be a psychic to predict some of these things. (These are real “psychic predictions” from December of 2014. I am not making these up):
Hollywood will release big blockbusters sequels in 2015: Hunger Games, Star Wars: Episode VII, Mission Impossible 5. (Really? Who would have predicted that these three films would be released in 2015? Why, you’d almost have to read anything on the internet to know that!)
Windows 10 released by Microsoft. (Yes, this was an actual “psychic” prediction as well.)
There are going to be the deaths of three celebrities in 2015. One will be by suicide, one will be drug related, and one will be of natural causes. (Given that “celebrities” here could mean anything from TV stars to recording artists to newscasters to politicians, yeah, I’m going to guess that at least three of them died last year and at least one would be from each of the reasons given above.)
An evangelical minister is going to outed for being gay. (Geez, that never happens!)
But, as you may guess (just like a psychic does!), the vast majority of these random guesses supernaturally provided predictions were absolutely wrong:
South African to win Ms. World; runner-up, Ms. India (Nope to both)
Major religious leader passes away, as also a former President of U.S. (Well, you can probably find some random “major religious leader” who died, but President? Nope.)
U.S. Congress will pass a law to ban the sale of guns to people with mental disorders. (Yeah, I wish!)
Rumors of an Illness or accident around Hillary Clinton will sideline her chances of becoming the first female U.S. President in 2016. This will concern her feet (as in tripping and falling) or a medically related disease connected to her bones. (We all remember that, right?)
Tokyo in ruins after a giant earthquake. (Or maybe Godzilla?)
A dog breaks a world record. (What? That’s the entire prediction? Come on, guy, you have to give me more than that! What world record? Most albums sold? Tightrope walking? Smelliest farts?)
There are going to be many UFO sightings in 2015. Sightings of actual aliens, and people being abducted by aliens, will also be on the rise. This will be due to the major planetary shifts our planet will experience in the upcoming year. (Because who could forget these? And that “major planetary shift” that all the astronomers talked about all year?)
Last year for Vladimir Putin to be in power in Russia. (Nyet)
Pope resigns because of hidden illness. (Nuh uh)
You get the idea; we could do this all day.
Now, just for kicks, let’s think about what some of the biggest stories were in 2015 (according to ABC news).
Chalie Hedbo attacks in Paris
Germanwings plane crash
Shootings by police officers
Amtrack train crash
Prison escape in New York
Charlestown church shooting
On-air shooting in Virginia
Major murder trials
European refugee crisis
Gay marriage approved by the Supreme Court
Pope visits America
Massive terrorist attacks in Paris
Many mass shootings in America
You’d think at least one of these would be foreseen by psychics, wouldn’t you?
Every once in a while, one out of every hundred predictions made by these people will come true due to the vagueness of the prediction and the law of probabilities, and that’s the one they remind everyone about so people keep giving them money.
If a con artist scams someone out of their money, they can be prosecuted. That’s a crime. How these people get away with the same sort of thing is beyond me.
This is what scam artists do, of course. Speaking of which, here are some of the actual predictions Republicans made about what would happen if Obama was re-elected:
Gas will be $10.00 a gallon (According to Newt Gingrich, who promised to bring it down to $2.50 a gallon. It’s now around $2.25)
Unemployment will be over 8% (According to Mitt Romney. It’s now at 5.8%)
The Stock Market will crash (According to Donald Trump; it’s now around 18,000 and has risen 35% since Obama was elected)
Obamacare will destroy jobs (According to many Republicans. Instead, unemployment has dropped, especially since medical jobs are growing because of Obamacare)
Obama will force young people to go to FEMA re-education concentration camps (Okay, that one was from Michelle Bachmann, so no one with a brain ever took that seriously)
I guess we can say then, given their similar track record on predictions, that Republicans are psychic.
Is this a real tree?
Is this the plastic type?
It doesn’t matter
As long as it’s one that Santa likes
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see
Are those some sleigh bells?
Is that a reindeer noise?
Because I really can’t wait no more
Christmas Eve is at store
Anyway the sky snows
Doesn’t really matter to me
To me
Mama, I’ll say again
I just can’t go to bed
Santa’s coming in his sled
Mama, the night has just begun
I must stay up to greet him when he comes
Mama, ooh
Got some cookies and some milk
I’m just gonna sit by the fireplace and watch
Carry on, carry on
That’s all that really matters
It’s late, his time has come
Are those sleigh bells that I hear?
Does that mean that Santa’s near?
Listen everybody — are those reindeer hoofs?
Prancing all around on top the roof?
Mama, ooh (Anyway the sky snows)
I don’t want to sleep
I sometimes wish I’d never need sleep at all
I see a fat silhouetto of a man
Santa Claus, Santa Claus, Coming out from the chimney
He’s got a bag wherefore
I think something’s there for me
Dasher, Dancer (Prancer, Vixen)
Comet, Cupid (Donner, Blitzen)
With a package just for me – A nintendo?
I’m just a poor boy hoping for a gift or two
He’s just a poor boy with a lot of gratitude
We’re just the chorus pleading for his case
Here’s a cookie for you, would you like some milk?
Kris Kringle! Should be in bed I know
Kris Kringle! Should not be up I know
Kris Kringle! I broke the rules I know
Broke the rules I know
Don’t throw me in the snow
Into the snow Ho ho ho ho HO HO HO!
Oh please Santa oh please Santa
Oh please Santa let me go
Saint Nicholas has a Krampus put aside for me
For me
For me
So you think you can stay up and act like a spy? So you think you can be a bad boy and get by? Oh Timmy This just will not do, Timmy You’re getting coal You’re getting coal in your stocking
Nothing really matters
Just Krampus and me
Nothing really matters
I’m a prisoner for eternity
I had never heard of Ashley Madison until it was announced that there had been a major hacking. The site is where people can go for secret hookups so they could cheat on their spouses. Recently, someone posted a list of their members.
Forget the fact that Dugger was there. I’m sure other prominent names may soon show up. While I am always thrilled when hypocrites are exposed, I cannot endorse the method by which this happened.
The vast majority of people on that list are not celebrities. They aren’t people who publicly shamed others while doing the same thing. They aren’t people who deserve to be exposed.
Some of them may have been in relationships that had already fallen apart. Maybe they were separated from their spouses. Maybe they were in an open marriage and the spouse already knew about it. And maybe it’s none of our damned business what private people do in the privacy of their lives with other consenting adults so long as they aren’t physically hurting another or breaking the law.
So would I support the hacking if it was just Dugger being exposed? Interesting question. On one hand, when you voluntarily throw yourself out in public, you don’t have the right to demand “privacy” in the same way the average person does. And if you’re a lying scum, you deserve to be exposed. On the other hand, two wrongs don’t make a right, and the hacking crime means that a business that was legitimate (as much as you may not like it) has been attacked and ruined for that. People will certainly think twice before giving their information to them again. (If it helps you understand why this is bad, pretend it was Target or some place you regularly shop instead of a sex site — would you continue to shop there knowing your information could be stolen?)
Meanwhile, speaking of Dugger, how about that Jared from Subway guy, huh? Too bad he’s not friends with Republican candidate Mike Huckabee like Dugger is, because then God could forgive him and he’d walk away free.
There are many bloggers out there vying for your attention, and most of them have a little “donate” button on the side so that they can continue to provide you with information and entertainment. Or maybe they’ll do kickstarter campaigns for people. Or sell ads on their blog.
It’s not a bad idea — and it’s nice when people who create things can get compensated for their work.
I don’t do that. (The ads you see here are placed by WordPress, because I’m not paying them to host this blog.)
Still, for the blogger, it’s nice to be appreciated — to know that the people who enjoy reading the blog understand the work that goes into it.
So if you’d like to thank me for my posts and show your support for this blog, how about a donation of, oh, about $6? In exchange, you get to download my latest novel “Bloodsuckers: A Vampire Runs for President.” There’s also a kindle version, a nook version, an ibook version, and a paperback if you prefer.
This is even better than just donating something. We both win! I get a few bucks in my next royalty check, and you get to read a fun adventure. (Come on, if you enjoy my writing here on the blog, you’re sure to enjoy the novel.)
You can click here to read the first few chapters and here to read reviews.
I’ve done my best to try to have a post a day (two if you count the editorial cartoons) but this week has just been bad. It’s been days since I posted anything. Is it summer that causes this? Is it my birthday celebrations that make me depressed about being old? Is it the move to my new office that has exhausted me? Is it the fact that every time I want to write something, there’s just nothing new to say about the clowns running for the GOP nomination who are debating tonight?
Tell me you wouldn’t rather be sitting by this creek reading a book right now.
A little bit of “all of the above.”
I dunno, I just can’t seem to find the energy to get excited about anything right now. Mostly when I get home from work, I just want to sit by the creek and read something light. (At this moment it’s Christopher Moore’s “Practical Demonkeeping.”)
But yet, people are asking me to blog about the debates, or tweet my comments. I appreciate it. I really do. It’s nice to see that there are people out there who enjoy this blog and look forward to it. It means an awful lot to me. Thanks.
But not right now. Maybe in a day or so. I just don’t have anything interesting to say right now.
So instead, here’s one of my favorite bad jokes.
I was conducting the orchestra, unaware that the upright bassists had been drinking. We were performing Beethoven’s Ninth, and about halfway through, they were so drunk that they kept knocking the music off the stands and we had to attach it back with string. Then, suddenly, two of the bassists fainted dead away.
So there I was, in the bottom of the Ninth, with the score tied, the bassists loaded, and two out.
Thank you, thank you. Be sure to tip your waitress.*
*an inside joke for those who have read my first novel “Arch Enemies.”
Elton John recently announced he would be retiring from live performances. We’ll see. In the meantime, here is a list of my favorite songs of his. Remember: this is not a “greatest hits” list; it’s my personal list. Yours is certain to be different.
I had trouble narrowing it down to ten (as would anyone), but here we go. I’ll probably change my mind tomorrow and say “I should have included “Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting” or “Ballad of a Well Known Gun” or “Big Dipper”…
He really has some great songs, doesn’t he? Imagine how much better they would be if he had someone who could write decent lyrics.
In alphabetical order:
Better Off Dead: I admit I like the quirkier stuff. It’s why I like Sparks and Oingo Boingo. This is quite clever and complicated and different and that’s why it interests me.
Ego: This was a single that I quite enjoyed but it didn’t do well and pretty much disappeared and never was on any album.
Funeral For a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding: This magnificent opening to Elton’s best album just builds wonderfully and I can imagine it must have been a very powerful live performance.
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road: This is the title song from his best album. I love the way it is produced.
Honky Cat: How can you not enjoy this? It’s just fun and Elton’s piano playing is perfect.
Legal Boys: I guess this one is kind of like “Better off Dead” in structure and the lyrics are a lot better than most of his stuff.
Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters: One of the best ballads, although the reason rose trees never grow in New York city is because there is no such thing as a rose tree, Bernie.
Sick City: This was a B side from the “Caribou” sessions, although it certainly is good enough to have been an A side or on the album. It might have been the lyrics, which the record label demanded he censor. “Then she said ‘how about a blow down'” probably weren’t the original words. (A later song called “Screw You” had to be renamed “Young Man’s Blues.”)
The Bitch is Back: I remember when this came out and the radio stations wouldn’t say the name. A very exciting and well-produced song.
Tiny Dancer: Come on, who doesn’t sing along with this when it comes on? Hold me closer, Tony Danza….
I loved getting the newspaper and reading the comic strips when I was growing up. I wanted to be a cartoonist. I saved my allowance to buy the latest Peanuts, Pogo, and B.C. paperbacks and then I’d read them over and over again. I created my own strips, made whole books full of them, and wormed my way into every school newspaper as their resident cartoonist.
When I visited California years ago, of course one of the things I had to do was visit the Schulz Museum in Petaluma
Although I later moved on and pursued other interests, I never stopped reading the comics. My shelves are still full of the collections, although they now include Pearls Before Swine, Get Fuzzy, Doonesbury, Lio, and many others. I even ended up writing the afterwords to a collection of Candorville strips (I’m a big fan).
Newspapers carry fewer and fewer strips these days and often the ones they do have are zombie strips — where the original artist has died and someone else is trying to recreate the original feel, which is like going to see a Robin Williams impersonator and wondering why he isn’t as funny. (I’m looking at you, Blondie. And Beetle Bailey. And Hagar the Horrible and Nancy and Dennis the Menace and…) So mostly I read comics online these days, and there is a boom of good strips online — although many would never be allowed in any newspaper.
Anyway, here is my list of the best newspaper comic strips of all time that are no longer around, in my opinion (and in no particular order.) A list of the best current strips will be posted later.
Peanuts: You cannot overestimate the importance of Peanuts to modern cartooning. Prior to Peanuts, most strips were adventure strips with continuing stories, even if they had a lot of humor to them. Strips about kids were mostly innocent and fun, and the kids rarely argued or fought (except maybe the Katzenjammer Kids from decades earlier). Peanuts created characters that people actually cared about, and was often quite funny as well. I mean, come on, I can’t not have Peanuts on this list.
Calvin and Hobbes: Great artwork combined with a wonderful memory of what it was like to be a kid made Watterson’s creation so memorable. Here it is, years since he retired the strip, and the books are still selling and Calvin is still pissing on things (none of which are approved by Watterson). I love re-reading my books every now and then.
Pogo: My parents were huge Pogo fans and had all the books, which I read over and over again. I missed a lot of the political satire when I was young, but the absurdity struck me in the same way I also loved Alice in Wonderland and Edward Lear.
Bloom County: Although at first it seemed to be a Doonesbury copy it soon established its own identity and world view which was so creative and ground-breaking I could hardly wait to get the Boston Globe each morning to read it. Breathed later retired the strip and then tried Sundays-only strip “Outland” which seemed to be more Krazy Kat than Bloom County, and it just did not have the same charm. A few of his more recent projects have also failed to captivate.
The Far Side: What a year that was, when the artists who did Bloom County, Far Side, and Calvin and Hobbes all decided to retire. The Far Side was so outrageous and funny; seriously, who doesn’t like this strip?
Li’l Abner: While I obviously disagreed with Capp’s politics and misogyny in the 60s and 70s, he had some wonderfully imaginative stories and very expressive artwork.
Popeye / Thimble Theater: This is the oldest strip on my list. Popeye started off as a one-shot character in an adventure with Olive Oyl but soon became so popular he took over. So many wonderful stories and adventures ensued, as well as the words “goon” “jeep” and “wimpy.” They have aged well and are still fun to read — well written, well drawn, with good pacing and surprises.
Yes there are more that were really good but they didn’t match up to these in my opinion. I mean, yeah, Krazy Kat and Little Nemo in Slumberland were amazing and creative for their time as well as being influential but they just don’t interest me to the point where I’d re-read them over and over again.
With Ringo finally getting inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, I thought it might be nice to look at his solo work and share my favorites.
Ringo’s voice is … well, let’s use the word “unique.” It’s certainly distinctive. Whenever there was a group sing-a-long, Ringo’s voice always seemed to come to the forefront (listen to “Bungalow Bill” or “Carry that Weight” — it’s almost like the other three, whose voices blended so well, were his backup singers!).
But Ringo knew how to surround himself with good people, and his best solo work owes much to the musicians he recruited. See for yourself…
In chronological order:
It Don’t Come Easy. Ringo wrote this simple song but George’s production made it special. It has that Phil Spector-ish production that George learned while working on the “All Things Must Pass” album, and the George’s guitar hook at the beginning makes the song special.
I’m The Greatest. John wrote this for Ringo, in which he happily sings “Yes, my name is Billy Shears, Yes it has been for so many years…” John’s backup singing is perfect.
Photograph. This was Ringo’s first #1 song … and he reached #1 before John did! I wonder how that went over. This is co-written by George, who played guitar.
Snookeroo. Elton John was at the height of his career when he wrote this one for Ringo. That’s Elton on piano, too. It sounds exactly like an Elton John song sung by Ringo.
Goodnight Vienna. Another John-penned song and you can hear him counting off and screaming “all right” at the start. That’s him playing piano. Billy Preston is there as well. Although Paul has written songs for Ringo and played on the albums as well (that’s Paul playing kazoo on “You’re Sixteen”) it seems that Paul didn’t give Ringo any really great material.
Vertical Man. Now we zoom all the way from the 70s to the late 90s, when Ringo hooked up with Mark Hudson (of the “Hudson Brothers” – remember them?). Mark Hudson is a huge Beatles fan who loves going to Beatles conventions (where I met him!). His own songwriting shows the Beatles influence so, not surprisingly, many of my favorite Ringo songs are from the albums he did with Mark doing much of the writing and producing. This particular song is just plain fun. (And that’s Ozzy Osbourne singing backup, believe it or not.)
La De Da. This is a catchy one, although the video here is from the short single version. Typical Ringo lyrics. “I’ve lived my life / It’s only right ’cause I can’t live your life for you.”
Never Without You. This is the song Ringo wrote after George’s death. A sad tribute, with lead guitar from George’s old friend Eric Clapton (but Eric isn’t in the video).
Fading In Fading Out. This is another song co-written with Mark Hudson that is just one of those happy pop songs that you can’t help but like.
Don’t Hang Up. This is a nice piece where Ringo shares vocals with Chrissie Hynde. Always makes me smile!
Liverpool 8. Ringo has a lot of songs about his life with the Beatles. I mean, how can you top that? This is one of the best, with production by Dave Stewart.
Since I only listed my ten favorites, I had to leave out many songs featuring other musicians and singers like Marc Bolan, David Gilmour, Levon Helm, Nicky Hopkins, Dr. John, Jim Keltner, Al Kooper, Jeff Lynne, Bette Midler, Alanis Morrisette, Harry Nilsson, Roy Orbison, Tom Petty, Stephen Stills, Steven Tyler, Luther Vandross, Klaus Voorman, Joe Walsh, Don Was, Edgar Winter, Ronnie Woods, Gary Wright …
Listening to Ringo is sometimes like having a reunion with old friend.
And, if you’re more interested in seeing his Top Ten Greatest Hits (as opposed to my personal ten favorites), here’s a list based on chart success. (The number in parenthesis shows how high on the charts the song reached.)
Sometimes my blog posts are just silly, sarcasm-filled rants, and I usually think they’re obvious enough that you can tell. Once in a while, however, someone writes to me, “Is this true?”
So here, for April Fool’s Day, are a few of my favorites:
ventrellaquest.com 