Christmas

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The 4th Annual War on Christmas Contest

Merry War on Christmas, everybody!

Anger drives ratings, as Fox News is well aware. And that’s why they created the War on Christmas. Those poor Christians, being attacked and persecuted and treated terribly — how terrible it must be to be a discriminated against majority.grinch1

Every example Fox News gives for a “War on Christmas” always boils down to something like “They won’t let us force kids to sing our religious songs!” or “They say ‘Happy Holidays’ which acknowledges that not everyone is a Christian and therefore they are attacking us!” or “They are refusing to allow us to use taxpayer dollars for a religious display.”

So for four years now, I have challenged anyone to give me an example of a real “attack on Christmas,” because every one of these examples is, in reality, fought in defense. You wouldn’t even hear about them if these particular Christians weren’t trying to require everyone to obey their beliefs.

There are some Christians who apparently are so self-centered that if you say something like, “I respect your beliefs even though I do not share them and sincerely hope you have a happy holidays,” they are convinced that you are out to take away their rights.

So find me one example of anyone trying to prevent people from celebrating a religious Christmas. Just one.

I have a feeling I know what the result will once again be.

(And yes, of course, just to clarify: #notallChristians)

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Why non-believers love Christmas

I love Christmas — the feeling of good cheer, the lights, the trees, the celebrations — why should Christians get all the fun? 20151212_183402

Some holidays have become secular so that everyone can enjoy them.  I know plenty of Jews who set up Christmas trees and exchange gifts, for instance.  (And, even though I am not Jewish either, I join them for the traditional Christmas Chinese dinner.) Although many of the ideas of Christmas are based in religion, many do not require religion at all.

In fact, you don’t have to be Christian to agree with what Christmas is supposed to celebrate. That Jesus had some damned good ideas.  Peace on earth, goodwill to all, caring for those less fortunate, being with your family — how can you be against that? Why wouldn’t you want everyone to share in that, no matter what their beliefs?  Not to mention festive lights, presents, mistletoe, jingle bells, Christmas parties, Santa Claus, and “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” (The Chuck Jones one, not the Jim Carey one).

That’s why it’s so frustrating to have angry Christians complaining that we have stolen their religion (“Put Christ back in Christmas!”).  Let’s ignore for the moment that Jesus was probably born in the spring (when shepherds watched their fields) and that much of this holiday was stolen from earlier religions. Wouldn’t a true Christian be happy that others are celebrating peace?  That others use this season to promote the values they supposedly teach?

I know many Christians who welcome all to celebrate with them, no matter their beliefs. I have a feeling that this Jesus guy would approve.

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Why I Love Christmas

“Mike, you’re not a Christian.  Why are you celebrating Christmas?”

My 2014 Christmas tree!

My 2014 Christmas tree!       (That’s my cat Mrs. Conclusion admiring the shinies)

Well, gee, I’m also not a Pagan or a Wiccan, but I celebrate Halloween.  Some holidays have become secular so that everyone can enjoy them.  I know plenty of Jews who set up Christmas trees and exchange gifts.  (And, even though I am not Jewish either, I join them for the traditional Christmas Chinese dinner.)

You don’t have to be Christian to agree that much of what Jesus taught were good ideas.  Peace on earth, goodwill to all, caring for those less fortunate, being with your family — how can you be against that? Why wouldn’t you want everyone to share in that, no matter what their beliefs?  Not to mention festive lights, presents, Christmas parties, Santa Claus, and “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” (The Chuck Jones one, not the Jim Carey one).

That’s why it’s so frustrating to have angry Christians complaining that we have stolen their religion (“Put Christ back in Christmas!”).  Let’s ignore for the moment that Jesus was probably born in the spring (when shepherds watched their fields) and that much of this holiday was stolen from earlier religions. Wouldn’t a true Christian be happy that others are celebrating peace?  That others use this season to promote the values they supposedly teach?

I know many Christians who welcome all to celebrate with them, no matter their beliefs. I have a feeling that this Jesus guy would approve.

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Merry Christmas!

“I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” – Steven Wright

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller

“I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don’t believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives.” – Groucho Marxgroucho claus

“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’” — Dave Barry

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” – Jay Leno

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – Dennis Miller

“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.” – W. C. Fields

“Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?'” – Jim Gaffigan

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple

“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?” – Tom Armstrong

“Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish, If it weren’t for Christmas, We’d all be Jewish.” – Benny Hill

“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” – Anthony Jeselnik

“Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!” – Ogden Nash

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Santa’s Coming!

Let’s take a break from the serious stuff today and listen to a funny Lennonesque Christmas song, which just happens to be by my brother Philip.

“Santa’s Coming” is from the CD he made under the name “Inspector Muffin” — a psychedelic tribute to 60s music (and I play bass and co-wrote one song).

“Santa’s Coming” is not necessarily a song you would play for your kids if they are old enough to get the double entendres.  Lyrics are below.

Santa comes only once a year
So when its time for him to come, everyone stand clear

His sack is full with good things for me and you
and if you’ve been a real good boy, he’ll drop a load or two on you

Everyone beat the Christmas drums
Everyone’s glad when Santa comes

When he comes
Santa’s coming
All over the world for all the boys and girls
Santa’s coming

Don’t be shy; Santa’s quite the handsome chap
You can feel the love he brings by sitting in his lap

So sit right down, there’s a package just for you
but don’t open til Christmas day or Santa’s gonna come too soon

Santa will bless the old and young
If your stocking is well hung

When he comes
Santa’s coming
All over the world for all the boys and girls
Santa’s coming

Before you go down, please make sure the chimney’s clear
If its too tight, you should go ’round back and enter from the rear
For the climax of the year

Christmas day the bells have rung
Santa Claus on every tongue

When he comes
Santa’s coming
All over the world for all the boys and girls
Santa’s coming

Download it here.