How we stole the election

Our plan was perfect.

We used the Deep State as usual. The Deep State is all powerful, you know, and with it we can do anything (except stop Mitch McConnell, get Hillary elected, or prevent an unqualified Supreme Court justice from getting appointed, but other than that…).

We were so clever that we even had Trump-appointed judges on our side, holding that the election was going fairly and all votes were being counted.

Of course, we didn’t want to show our hand so we made sure that we didn’t take the Senate like everyone predicted. That would be too obvious. We also lost a few House seats as well, just to throw everyone off our trail.

Our strategy also involved the mail-in ballots in certain states. We allowed the Republicans in those states (such as Pennsylvania, where I live) to write the law that prevents poll workers from counting ballots until after election day. That would give the Trump supporters false hope, since we all knew the mail-in ballots would favor Democrats as they came in later. Sneaky!

Then to further mislead everyone, we allowed poll watchers from both parties to observe the counting, and even live streamed the whole thing so anyone who wanted to observe could watch. We stole the election right under their noses while they watched every single thing we did.

We’re so devious.

But here’s the real trick we used:

We got more than five million votes than Trump. What a shock, huh? Who would have thought that the guy who lost the popular vote last time and who has never reached a 50% approval rating in polls the entire time he was President would lose?!

Trump a cocaine abuser?

People are saying that Trump abuses cocaine. That’s why he was sniffing so much during the debates. I’m not saying it, but some people are. Reliable people. Credible sources. People who would know. Believe me. Questions are being raised. Sad.14469546_10155410130908306_5529874775037840631_n

Trump should take a drug test. And we need to see the long forms of this drug test to be sure.  Why won’t he? Hiding.

An extremely credible source has told me Trump uses cocaine. Extremely. No more apologies.

Media silent. They know. Believe me.

People tell me, I know. They tell me they need to know. I’m just reporting, don’t blame me. This could be huge.  There are people out there who say this is all a lie and not true. So why won’t Trump submit to a drug test then? What is he hiding? I don’t know, I’m just asking. Sad.

(Thanks to Dan Kimmel for inspiration here)


How to Defeat ISIS by Donald Trump

For many years now, ISIS and other similar radical Islamic groups have caused problems for the world. But Donald Trump knows how to deal with them. When asked recently what to do, he made a bold promise:


“Me have plan. Plan good. Me solve problem.”

“I will convene my top generals and give them a simple instruction to, in 30 days, submit to the Oval Office a plan for soundly and quickly defeating ISIS.”

“Of course!” the generals said, slapping their foreheads like David Byrne. “A plan! Why didn’t we think of that?”

Donald Trump knows more about ISIS than the generals. We know this because he told us so. (“Believe me.”)

“It’s why we no longer have to give him national security briefings as a candidate,” stated a White House spokesperson. “Instead, we just listen to him, since he knows more about it than those of us in the military and intelligence community who have dedicated our lives to just this thing.”

The White House and the generals assembled were pleased for the guidance Trump was providing. “A plan!” they said. “Dammit. If only we had considered that years ago.”